Joy is teaching your kids well and assuming ownership of their education from home because you can’t rely on college professors today to prepare your kids for the real world. Where cushy concepts such as tenure, aren’t available to the majority of Americans working in Corporate America, or in the non-profit sector, doing fundraising for social justice docs on team Obama for Netflix either.
What makes me an expert on homeschooling, outside of my unofficial doctorate in comedy control and artificial feelings of accomplishment infused from raising my 3 kids on Adderall on and off for the past 8 years and growing? First, my daughter’s 2nd grade teacher told me she wanted to clone my daughter for future classes with my permission. 2nd, the same 2nd Grade Teacher was so impressed by my inspired, engaging reading from the Book of Bad Manners for parent reading day, she declared in front of the whole class, “You should be hosting your own kid’s show already.” Fine, I added the already. 3rd, I’m a subject matter expert on modern parenting, because the Good Men Project has published not one but 23 of my essays, from my family debut parenting books, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story and Do It All Dad Does Jokes. My Do It All Dad Year Podcast has also produced 152 episodes and my debut stand up comedy record, recorded, from home, Resist This, distills it’s greatest hits for you and me. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years. Can I get a holla for nothing but more A plus gemry, fresh off the press, aren’t you blessed challah? This is the smack rich, Ted Talk you get, when you get into old school Kayne West records on Vinyl at home, a decade after they were released.
Today, I purchased College Drop Out, by Kayne West, responsible, for introducing Kayne West as the top MC to beat, who didn’t sound like a Tribe Called Quest and De La Soul on Ambien. I love Kayne West for calling out his supposed friend Jay Z for taking his sweet ass time to visit his new-born child, North, don’t know if the meeting ever happened, but good guy Big Jay failed the friendship litmus test, big time, and Kanye West, let him know it boy. Good for Kayne, because if a supposed friend can’t get excited enough to race over to your pad, to embrace a new and improved version of you, then, you’re off the real friends list.
I also went to the Microsoft store today to get a Micro UBS chord to charge my kids Rock Solo Tzumi and had the exact opposite experience from my Kayne spiel at New Bury Comics prior. One moment, I’m bonding with a cool, brother with well-proportioned dreads, at New Bury Comics, about feeling like a total loser, for only discovering Kayne’s West’s earlier work much after my in the club, grinding on the dance floor at China Club years. Moments later, I’m at the Microsoft Store and sample some material. I say, “This is my impersonation of merger talk between Dr. Dre and Eminem. “Hey Slim, Microsoft paid 4.5 billion dollars for LinkedIn. Worrrrrrrrd. LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh.” The wordddddddddd, got a big time laugh, yet the LinkedIn topper line, died because his manager, got up in his face for encouraging my laugh yankage in the first place. But my 3-year-old son, saw me in action, going for the kill, and that’s what matters. Showing my kid in the real world, your entire life is a cold call and sometimes you need to tone down your expressive comedic genius, knowing most places of business, don’t possess the 2 drink minimum to loosen up the just got off work, stuck in meetings all day crowd.
3 kids later, I’ve learned, kids want to do whatever the adults are doing. It doesn’t mean they don’t play after doing their homework, cheer for snow days and bring on the ruckus whenever I blast Alice Cooper’s Schools Out for Summer on Alice Cooper’s Greatest Hits on Vinyl. Elected is an overlooked, unfamiliar gem, any Do It All Dad should play for their kids tonight. Elected was John Lennon’s favorite song, according to Alice in his autobiography, describing the most perfect rock career ever to include Alice eventually marrying the love of his life, a super hot rocker mama, who got him sober, helping turn him into a scratch golfer, who let’s Johnny Depp play in a band with him to feed off his larger than life rock star stature, where the great Groucho Mark even compared his stage show to vintage vaudeville from back in the day, pre fake news and Fox airings of 21 Jump Street. Side note, I’m scared about getting a Vasectomy because I don’t want my ball sack to feel like Edward Scissorhands face. In the song, Elected by Alice Cooper, he sings, “I wanted to be elected, respected.” If this mantra doesn’t encapsulate the American mindset of willing your own special brand of success into reality, refusing to play the poor, poor pitiful me, victim card, I don’t know what does.
Is college today really worth the crap shoot? Knowing my kids will be forced to defend Israel’s right to defend itself from rocket fire into their backyard. Insisting Israel do more than send Hamas Edible Gifts baskets in return and a thank you note written in Farsi. College can be a great experience, meeting people you never would’ve met otherwise like my Hawaiian roommate who attended same private school in Hawaii as Obama on the Big Island, inspiring this joke gem for the ages. If Obama was such a baller in Basketball, then why did he ride the bench at an all Asian private school in Hawaii? College inspired me to make a New Years Resolution to save up enough money so I could make it down to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. At least now, I can teach my kids, 3 days in Mardi Gras is the kiss of death, meaning Hurricanes, Space Cakes and Hand Grenades ensured my brain never returned to it’s so, so smart, original state to start the semester.
When I attended college at Lake Forrest College on the North Shore of Illinois in Vince Vaughn country, I learned the concept of a thesis statement but still lacked the creative confidence to support my powers of insight with momentous examples to back up my stated main idea assertion with funny, soul man, pronounced gusto, just yet. Today, I can’t even imagine the thought police restrictions at college, if I insisted on calling Higher Learning a weak, overrated sequel to Boyz in The Hood for Philosophy and Film 101. So when I say, do it all dads home school, I mean, expose your kids to the influences who inspired your mirage milkshake of creativity like Cracked Magazine, old school Adam Sandler films, Illmatic, Beastie Boys, Guns and Roses, Ford Fairlane, Back to School, Arilss, the Larry Sanders Show, etc. Parenthood has taught me kids will act like actual mini grown ups and develop expressive confidence in their own ideas, assuming you don’t talk down to them like a perpetual jerkoff moron, waste of breathes.
I used to read my kids Charles Bukowski poems until I learned he kept a highlighted copy of Mein Kemph under his bed growing up during his ultra pro, nationalist German phase. At the time, I’m thinking, Bukowski is the real world grinder, they can learn from, who didn’t hit his writing stride till his mid forties after working in the Post Office forever and so what if my 2 boys, AKA, stud alerts on the loose, grow up with a heightened appreciation of curvy, sculpted woman in high heels, stumbling on their door, in the middle of the night, back in the summer of 62, I think. I have no idea.
What I do know is my 3 year old son, loves to start the car by himself, play his new Kayne West record by himself, set the whiffle ball on the tee by himself and break the eggs for a our smoked salmon scramble this morning by himself, until I had to take over, with his proud dad, overlooking his fiercely, combative independent steak, on the rise, all made by possible by me homeschooling my son on the importance of assuming ownership of your life education by doing versus, talking about it or listening to some professor at Princeton University give a lecture on how technology is racist. Knowing the same person has never made a cold call in their life or ever had to apply for a Recruiter agency job on a culturally biased job site like jobs you never thought you’d apply for.com, after you parents blew 100 grand on your Bachelors Degree for a degree in communications from Ithaca College, otherwise known as Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. Cornell alum, take this line too literally, uttering, “You’re not retarded.” Thank God my old school humor is intact after all these years. If kids’ today, were only reared on Andrew Dice Clay Records, they wouldn’t be such temperamental, humorless, nervous wrecks today, oh, I can’t take no more. So, I tell my kids everything I know about life, the good the bad and the ugly, so they get addicted to winning and competition bringing the best out of them sooner than later, because Do It Al Dads home school boyyyyyyyyyy!