Flipper Bird Baby

HBO taking down Louie CK’s comedy specials was some knee jerk reactionary bullshit. But it’s kosher to keep Woody Allen’s movies up on HBO Max, despite most of those films coming out pre-Soon Yi. Before Woody’s new favorite hobby after stashing baseball cards in shoe boxes became stuffing his top sock drawer with naked Polaroid pics of a 9-year-old naked Soon-Yi to tap for future script generation ideas about an older than dirt creep who bangs a girl with barley forming breast dots called, Crimes Misdemeanors, The Early Years. At the same time, the only pic pissing from Woody’s far from mint, stuck together collection of Polaroid pics of Soon-Yi was the one of her crying naked on the cover of Time Life Magazine.

Has BLM taken the Rocky statue down yet because it promotes White Supremacy?

What is Louie really guilty of besides failure of imagination?

5 women accused Louie of jerking off in their presence after bestowing them green light power like they packed real industry heat as if they became mini-Penny Marshall directors who got final cut on her film Awakenings after a League of Their Own, which had to have been a real heady rush for these wet behind the ears, aspiring comedians to experience at the time.

Louie selling shirts on his website that say “Sorry” on it, is smile inducing 1st idea funny. Other ideas more on brand would’ve been, “Sticky Life”, “Bathhouse Louie”, “Lazy Man Sex”, “Standing Ovations Aren’t Enough”, “Full Of Yucks,” “Get A Grip No-Name Bitch, ” “Got Wipes?” “Whack Attack”, “Dirtier, The Better”, “Visual Aids Lover”, “Hornier Around Hacks”, “Seed Spiller Supreme” or “Coming on a Green Room Near You Indianaoplis.”

Bet it was hard for the college tour guide to keep a straight face when he spotted Louie in the crowd with his daughter after binging on the Soprano’s the previous night with his hockey buds at Boston University whose cousins with Ted Nugent, who grew up idolizing Dennis Leary under a hardcore Republican household in Minnesota.

Holy Shit, it’s Louie CK everybody. Nice shades Louie. The only thing missing from your creep ensemble is a trench coat and Sarah Silverman’s hoodie to wipe up with.

In case you’re wondering, Boston University is contemplating the inclusion of a safe space jerk off wing called, Lonely Heart Louie Lane”, which should take off in Silcon Alley, so you’re not yanked out of the office bathroom stall by office security crooning, “You don’t come around here no more.”

Louie’s here’s with his daughter. Personally, I’d push her to become a Lesbian because you can’t get Aids from munching on middle of the road Sashimi. Louie feels me. The dark prince of humor knows you can’t die from Aids when you’re lesbian because the flip side of being a Lesbian lover licker receiver is you can take a licking and keep on ticking. Don Draper, I fucked him oh. I can’t take no more.

Remember when Louie compared Trump to Hitler after Eminem did. But when Trump bought Mar-a -Lago he lifted the lifetime ban on Jewish membership, Slim on Facts Shady.

My favorite Louie episode was when Louie went on a college tour with his daughter Meadow and choked one out to an episode of the Soprano’s when Janice drills Ralphie in his ass with a vibrator during his reloading down time from whacking strippers to death.

Hey Louie, shouldn’t your daughter pursue a BFA in comedic arts at nearby Emerson university. On Daddy Deplorable Dady you can perform this Shakespeare piece I’ve been developing with my daughter. That’s right Louie doesn’t possess a fucking monopoly on edgy father daughter conversational fueled comedy in relation to gender fluid comedy either. I keep it simple and tell my daughter, transgender is gay in woman’s clothing. Daughter asks, “Does that mean Shakespeare was gay because he dressed like a woman in all his plays.” I said, “That’s just because Shakespeare looked prettier than but-her-face English wenches with ugly moles on their face. But I do know for a fact that Kevin Spacy is gay about lunging at Othello backstage in tights. And I if see Transgender Father’s Day trend on Twitter one more time, I’m going to break my Chic-Filet strike for good. Either you’re an involved father or you’re not Nipple Tits. Plus, feeling shafted shouldn’t be a new shock to your system anymore either. This is Jefferey Tambour blasting his fellow Trans Co-star for pissing on the toilet seat in his trailer bathroom again. Real lady like, now get out of my trailer, you butchy bitch, hey now. Why are trans activists getting their panties in a bunch over the song Dude Looks Like a Lady Again?” In the song Steven Tyler takes more than a glancing stiffening peek, before proclaiming with surging mounting lust, “Oh what a funky lady. And I like it, like it, yeah.” So did Richard Pryor, get it over it already. Richard Pryor said it was the best piece of pussy, Bill Maher never had. Which reminds me, I just bumped into Michelle Obama’s Book Reach Higher at the Target dumper bargain bin and thought, “Reach Higher, Bill Maher, just got a stiffy. I can’t take no more, Dice lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Or did you call Trump the Anti-Christ Louie? Regardless, you’re the lying sack of shit for pretending to feel sorry about jerking off in presence of lesser female comedians after receiving their permission to throw on Sarah Silverman’s crusty old hoodie to get you in the mood for old time’s sake. The only thing you’re sorry about is pretending to care that your vote for Joe Biden mattered because you know that Biden pretending to get more votes than your boy Obama is like pretending DMX gave up weed for Catnip for Lent. Trump Hitler rhetoric got you too pumped-up Louie. Sequels never live up to the original. Maybe, Biden’s the Anti-Christ instead Louie. At the same time Christian right nation, in the Bible part 2 Jesus returns from Heaven to defeat the Anti-Christ. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you people?

Louie doesn’t feel sorry about jerking off in front of no name female comics. I wouldn’t either personally after getting their permission. Just own it and admit to feeling bad about his money shots in the green room costing him so much green.

What was Louie’s opener used to get consent before getting his yank on around these adoring female comics again? I’m too cheap for a massage parlor. Plus, I’m a dad. So, I can only get into the older happy enders, knowing they weren’t yanked off the boat yesterday. Don’t stare at my red pubes too intensely or you’ll get blinded with rage for not taking your father’s advice, when he pushed you to become a dental hygienist instead. I won’t jerk you around. Jerking off in the bathroom cramps my style. If I did my laugh yanker sets sitting on my ass like Paul Mooney I might be acting differently. You think Obama’s drones blasted with such Lasik type precision. To put you more at ease, would it help if I told you that Mr. Wonderful, Obama, ordered me to leak it. They don’t call me Bathhouse Louie for nothing, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Ballsy Better Hits

Bourdain and Joan Rivers walk into Heaven. Bourdain says, “How about a titty blast Joan?” Joan says, “I thought you’d never ask. Shit God, can you zap Bourdain’s foreskin off in a flash.”

Fuck Michael Jordan for calling Pippen selfish for daring to postpone knee surgery during the Last Dance. I’d make every day standing down day to, if I was being paid less than BJ Armstrong’s nanny.

If a boy is born 100 percent gay, does he suck down booby milk regardless, because he doesn’t know what his preferred oral fixation is yet?

Explaining Internet porn to my kids eventually. It wasn’t enough for Louie, it’s our last safety rail left. It’s what daddy does to squeeze in some me time alright.  

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre 3 kids. It was the best of times whenever the condom broke from overexertion, as I yelled, “Woo, sex is fun again.”

I’m sacred of getting a vasectomy because I don’t want my ball sack to feel like Edward Scissor’s Hands face.

What Gen X parents understand. Snoop’s Dog’s wine tastes like mouthwash used in porn hood hell.



My son finds the Kama Sutra book in my office. And my son says, “My penis popped out opening it.” Daughter starts singing, “Irresponsible Daddy.” I say, “Matilda, ignore this book because it’s a recipe for Aids.” Daughters says, What’s Aid’s Daddy? I say, “A reason to become a Lesbian. You can take a licking and keep on ticking.”

Daughter gets the book Rebel Girls from Grandma for Hanukkah. Grandma asks, “Do you know who Hillary is?” Daughter says, ” 2-time loser alcoholic, Russian dossier financier, best-selling voodoo doll in Hatti year after year?”

My son is the best slacker alert of all time. Son asks, “Daddy, did you go on the Peloton today? I said, “I got COVID, and food poisoning form the Halal Guys. Son says, “Enough with the excuses daddy, “You’re worse than Hillary.”

Random parents always ask, “Why is your son, so happy, “I say, Funnier dad, happier, baby.” You want to compare kid photos buzzkill boomer? My son has more muscle memory to flex from than a young Leo on the set of Growing Pains with Alan Thicke.”

Why do kids love back? Because you make them feel like the center of your universe, instead of the reverse. Kids love back because when you say I love you, it doesn’t sound manufactured hoarse, like you’re forcing the issue to avoid divorce.

A son’s love is a second chance at respectable redemption, because abstaining from bourbon at home does wonders for your complexion.



This is my younger brother getting defensive on the behalf our father because he’s the favorite despite making Hunter Biden come off as a serial slacker underachiever. Brother says, “Dad isn’t a narcissist.” I say, “You post driving selfies on Facebook. Your past the point of objective return bro.”

My 3rd kid is Chosen Curls Was Bound to Woo because chesty Italian MILFS hit on him constantly. One said, “When you get older, you’re going to have 3 girlfriends to juggle. I said, “If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”



This is my daughter playing marriage counselor again. “Pause Daddy, mama, got your point mid breath.”



Fact, kids don’t need to be dressed up in masks like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain. Plus, we shouldn’t gut any more cities, and ruin more professional lives over stupid vaccine mandates over catching an itchy esophagus. COVID has 99 percent survival rate. So, stop treating COVID as if it’s death sentence like backend entry into the Dallas Buyer’s Club.

But masks are the new condoms, not. Only because I can’t cum in my wife wearing one either.

Anyone see the new Woody Allen doc on HBO, Crimes and Misdemeanors the Early Years? Woody actually kept naked pics of a 9-year-old Soon Yi in his top sock drawer. The only naked pic missing was Soon Yi crying on the cover of Time Life Magazine.

I’m so sick of seeing Cuomo’s ugly mug in the paper. He still looks like the Thing and Mama Fratelli from the Goonies had a baby. And Cuomo getting paid to write a book leadership is like Hitler getting paid to write a book on anger management or Woody Allen getting paid to write a book on hands off parenting or R Kelly getting paid to babysit the latest Kardashian out the womb.

The Italian Reptilian inside Cuomo, getting paid to write a book about leadership makes less sense than Kevin Durant getting picked to do a Ted Talk on how to block out the sound of cyberbullying.  

What does makes sense is making Carmelo Anthony the next spokesperson for Tampax Tampons already. Name another NBA player, responsible for stopping so much flowage.

Growing up, I wish LaVar Ball was my substitute coach dad because he wouldn’t have allowed my younger brother to lose his virginity before I did. LaVar Ball would’ve held house parties in my honor and only invite Stuck-Up Jenny from the block. 5 minutes in the party, LaVar Ball yells into Stuck Up Jenny’s ear, “The Yooho bottle doesn’t spin itself bitch.”

I stopped smoking weed because I felt like a moron answering my daughter’s question on it after I thought she was already asleep. Daughter asks, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created the universe?” I eventually come up with, “God went back in time, in a Time Machine made by Elon Musk. Daughter says, “That’s really convincing Daddy. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.”

This is an impersonation of merger talk between Dr. Dre and Eminem. “Hey Slim Microsoft paid 3.6 billion for LinkedIn. Worrrrd, LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh”

This is Russell Simmons denying rape allegations with Gayle King. “Read my lisp.” I didn’t rape any of those vengeful over the hill hos.”

This is Jeff Ross roasting Jay Z in the VIP room for Super Bowl Sunday. “Child Separation is overrated Jigga. Look how you turned out. Plus, if Coco never got separated from his family, he never would’ve become a mini–Los Lobos in the making.”

The Woman’s March on Washington was gross. All I saw was a whole lot of Rosie’s sporting a whole lot of chins. My mom asked if my daughter watched it. I said, “No mom, Matilda’s finally learning how to read. So, the last thing I need in my life is my daughter trying to make out one of those protest signs on TV and ask, “Daddy, what’ a pa, pa, Pussy Power? Is that a new show on Amazon Prime?”

At the grocery store, I comment to the lady behind me, “I wrote the book the Koshertarian Comedians. So, I can’t make it, but do you ever make shrimp wrapped in bacon? Or is your attitude, “I’ll dine at Morton’s for a post Burning Mask Party, maybe.” Italian NY mom laughs long time. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth