Do It All Dad Talk

Children are for family upgrades.

God only gives unplanned kids, to only the lonely. And this funny man giant is lonely no more.

Funnier Dad, happier baby. You want a photo off old man?

My daughter Singing Rose is the best bud Sarah Silverman never had. After taking one bite into Do It All Dad’s home made Burrata bomb pizza made with cherry roasted tomatoes from our garden, she says in the kindest, most heaven sent tone imaginable, “Daddy, I know you really want to be comedian but can’t you be a pizza maker in Heaven instead?”

Controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again. My 3 fuss free kids the majority of the time, are living proof of it.

My 1st son Art Show USA, already passed his class clown test before entering Kindergarten, yelling at our hard to hear voice powered speaker Assistant with extreme disgust, “Cortana, throw yourself out the window already.”

My son Chosen Curls was bound to woo. Random grandmothers at the Stop and Shop insist he’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle when he get’s older. My reply? If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.

Having a 3rd kid shows who passes the friendship litmus test or not.

Generous pours of love in the form of nice bourbon to usher in the birth of your lucky number three is one to savor and cherish because it acknowledges the fact how nothing beats a newborn dad kind of love.

Becoming a Do It All Dad doesn’t mean your childless younger brother will become less serially selfish. Who still makes Hunter Biden feel like an underachiever.

GenX parents understand Baby Boomer arrogance never dies.

Breast feeding is responsible for my 3 kids angelic complexions. Daycare kids are pasty, all looking like they took a load to the face with an Elmer’s Glue Gun.

Grandparent bad manners, is them missing out on the best of your kids, while waiting at home for more breaking news on blue balls Mueller reports and fake news impeachment witch hunts with less legs than Lieutenant Dan.

Kids are human sponges of emotion. If you feel enraged at your wife for treating you like a starless, over the hill, neutered hipster dad, they get upset but not in an understated, passive aggressive, ironic detached way.

If Do It All Dad feels extreme joy for getting his debut album Resist This on I-Tunes, his 3 kids take your post giddyness higher, by quoting your own material, hollering in pitch perfect unison, “Can I get a holla, for some Challah?

God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it. Obviously, God never had the same confidence in Pete Davidson, the rebound boy toy king of Generation Z.

Facebook has made out of state Baby Boomers comfortably numb as virtual grandparents from afar.

You don’t need to spend a mini fortune on personal trainers when you have children. I’ll say to my daughter, “Matilda, daddy hasn’t had a beer in 9 days.” Her reply? Real impressive Dada, you’ve never even made it to double digits.” Or I’ll say to my son, “Dada didn’t run on the treadmill because I strained my calf muscle on it again. His response, “Enough with the excuses Dada. You’re worse than Hillary.”

Why are my kids so behaved in public? I don’t stand down and let them run wild like ANTIFA for starters.

Making your kids understand being an asshole to their siblings is unacceptable behavior, which won’t go unpunished, highlights when they’ve crossed line from harmless rambunctious jostling, to hurtful, physically assaultive, over the top prickishness.

One must remember kids repeat curse words you emphasize to point out bad behavior to be discouraged. So use funnier alternatives than asshole like Tuchus Hole or my new personal favorite anus hole, just so you can hear your lucky number 3, about to become 3 next month, repeat after Do It All Dad, “Don’t be an anus hole, Dada.”

Michael Kornbluth