If I have to hear one more time from my son, “What can I do?” After mommy has failed to engage him for more than a whopping 40 minutes, I’m moving to Utah, to become a Peloton instructor to stay extra fit for pleasing my 5 wives, who will keep my kids occupied while I write my next hit novel Do It All Dad Does Mormons in the process.
Without counsel plans are frustrated King Solomon? You mean like not asking my mom if it’s Kosher to make fun of Chris Matthews on my blog for sexually harassing a new intern at MSNBC? Like the time he said, “Eating out Maddow counts as your lunch break babe.”
I’m helping my son color in a dragon in his dragon coloring book. I say, “Next time you see Baba or Mimi, and if they ask you what you’re coloring say, “Hate Speech Dragon.” Son laughs long time and he doesn’t even know what I’m talking about. Actually, his mommy accuses me of hate speech all time for insisting her parents sound less tore up over spending another summer away from their grandchildren than Ben Shapiro skipping his speech on how to own liberals at the University of Delaware this Spring.
Question of the day for home school Arthur, “How do you know you’re tough, if you can’t take daddy, roughing you up? After the extended, firm yet gentle noogie, my son laughs long time. Home schooling rules.
Worse vacation idea ever, my younger brother drives to Arizona to drive my mother back to New York this summer because social distancing can’t keep a mother apart from a mama’s boy no matter what. Putting the 3 grandchildren and herself in harm’s way is inconsequential because fuck it, Trump’s going to beat hair sniffer anyway.
Bike helmets are for slower people, like the dude from Something about Mary, not my son on his scooter with a single car in sight in the middle of the corona pandemic for miles and miles.
Fucking Planetariums, do it all dad advice, don’t take your kids to any IMAX film narrated by Neil De Grasse Tyson. First, God only made him interesting in 2-minute doses max, because you dose off 2 minutes in after spending 40 bucks a ticket. 2nd, nothing is scarier to a 9-year-old girl than the thought of a Black Hole swallowing up Earth whole, that no faulty mask from China can keep at safe social distance from.
A note of appreciation prayer for my wife Lord. I value her agreeing with me over China being the main creator and accelerator of the Coronavirus despite her rock solid claim of social distancing being a scientifically proven way to avoid getting the Corona unless you’re some poor fuck in a Brooklyn nursing home, forced to bunk with some Corona patients for Cuomo’s sake, because it’s a bad look to waste all the extra ordered body bags.
I say, “Build a pool for the Human Torch with your Magnet Tiles Arthur. He needs to cool off. Arthur says, “He would die.” Do It All Dad laughs long time.
Daughter asks, “Daddy, why didn’t the Skeleton go to the dance? I say, “Because he wasn’t a member of the Skulls and Bones? The sight of W trying to paint a members only sign in Crayon outside rattled him a bit.”
Today for homeschooling, I helped my son start writing a story using the Pixar story mapping method that went like this. Once upon a time, there was a solider named Gung Ho. Every day, he’d get a new gun because he’d always lose the last. One day, he found all his missing guns. Because of that, he threw them all away except one. Because of that, he started talking to his lone gun. Until finally, Gung-Ho married his gun. I had my son name his story, Semi-Automatic Love. Can I get a holla, for a school assignment story to get my kid suspended from Kindergarten for causing more social unrest than I ever did on Twitter, Challah?
Proud Dad moment, I got my daughter to flip the bird at her hand me down company issued IBM, laptop, from her grandpa, that’s older Yiddish because the Internet took forever to load for an assignment on the through classroom portal outside of answering the question of the day. What’s special about May 4th? It’s Star Wars day, because it was trending on Twitter for some stupid reason. May the force be with you, sounds nothing like the 4th, but Jack Dorsey at Twitter and Zit Face Zuck at Facebook are more concerned with censoring hate speech about the Wuhan lab spreading the man made virus on purpose and downplaying it’s role in spreading it worldwide, because it’s not like they told the world to chill while hoarding all the faulty masks themselves.
I don’t like Jeremy Lin anymore because he’s a fake news Christian. Sorry, if he was so concerned with spreading the light then take a stand, and don’t play for the Beijing Ducks, asshole. I’m positive LaVar Ball could start his new tweener league with you as the semi-deplorable star in JR Smith’s eyes. It’s not as if Jeremy Lin is hurting for cash. I’m also calling him a fake news Christian, because him claiming he wanted to play for the Knicks after Linsanity no matter what is bullshit because I wouldn’t have, after JR Smith bitched about him hogging the bike lane all to himself.
I’m sorry, Jeremy Lin is a fake news Christian unless he asks Jesus for forgiveness for calling Landry Fields, a Stanford grad, Jared Jefferies a cross eyed hick who played for Indiana and Steve Novak, another Midwest kid from Wisconsin who wasn’t a founding member of the Onion, as “hilarious.” Alright, the championship belt thing was funny the first thing time Novak did it, but that’s more smile inducing than hilarious. The PR Director for the Cavs insisting JR Smith start conducting his post-game interviews off his Hoverboard because he’s high enough already, is hilarious. I can’t let it go, and I don’t mean no disrespect, but Jeremy Lin is a fake new Christian using the word passion to describe Spike Lee during his interview with Steve Serby. Passionate about portraying all Jews as soulless, predatory money grubbing heebs in every single of film of his, fine, I’ll grant you that much Sanity.
At least, Jeremy Lin didn’t go out of his way to call the Communist ruling party in China, some very fine people. But what really burned me about Jeremy Lin’s interview with the NY Post, besides the lack of provocative questions such as: So, have all the woke Harvard Lampoon alum ruined late night comedy in your eyes? Or care to comment on the Asian American community losing their lawsuit against Harvard University for penalizing academic excellence by handing out school slots to lesser deserving students like hot cakes because Michelle Obama isn’t proud of her country yet. Or, Jeremy how do you feel about learning your former alma mater gave Lolita Island owning Jeffrey Epstein his own private office with a private pedo land line, after he gave the school a cool 10 million to keep those records sealed? Judicial Watch, blew it’s cover, I’m assuming. Epstein was already a convicted underage sex offender at this point but giving him his own private, untraceable Lolita line at Harvard to scout new virgin trim to break in because they had their heads too buried in their books to come up for air until freshman orientation, sounds Kosher don’t you think Lin? Plus, do you really believe Obama is a baller at basketball, knowing he rode the bench at an all Asian private school in Hawaii? Or do you know anybody, who knew of Obama’s time at the Harvard Law Club? A friend from Columbia, would love to know. Last, do you think NBC’s heart was really into replacing Jay Leno with Conan O’Brien permanently in the first place? Knowing Conan was a tad too eccentric, nerdy compared to Johnny Carson for the Tonight Show’s tastes? Do you think Conan being demoted to TBS makes him feel like a resounding winner who came out on top, knowing NBC is just fake news bullshit in bed with China now like the rest, TNT included?