Controlling My Kids With Comedy
If Joe Biden is a real man of integrity, then why wouldn’t he tell his son Hunter to cut out knocking up baby mama strippers on crack or refrain from creaming in his dead brother’s wife after the cremation ensued?
When you broker a peace treaty between Israel and the United Arab of Emirates, dismantle the nuke timeout deal with Iran and move our embassy to Jerusalem, it makes President Trump more of a Hebrew Nationalist. But black Hebrews can’t be anti-Jew because they’re the real chosen people according to Nick Cannon. Plus, in Nick Cannon’s defense, he isn’t another self-hating Jew hire to manage the post woke editorial board for the New York Times.
Wife asks, “Why are your parents not quarantining themselves at their cottage in NY after flying in from Arizona last week?” I say, “Because my mom is convinced Trump is going to win again anyway, so what the fuck? Plus, even my resister boomer parents, respect Bill De Blasio’s authority less than Trump supporters respect polling numbers, since the NY Times predicted Hillary Hammer Time Cankles would waltz into the White House with the assistance of an Iron Lung, despite 64 million branded racists voting different, proving baby boomer mom doesn’t know best. The Drunken Deplorable Druid must have deleted that memo to.
Enough with Israeli aggression. If your sworn enemy, whose been hellbent on your total destruction since the dawn of time, starts to fire 800 rocket into your backyard. Don’t expect an Edible Arrangements gift basket in return, with a thank you note written in Farsi.
People evolve or not, and I’ve lost zero interest in making an effort to stay in contact with those who can’t respect my individuality and support of President Trump, treating me like I’m a brainwashed lone wolf recruiters wet dream for Al-Qaeda.
These past 3 and a half years, have also me taught me how certain friends or family members don’t make the best backup group material in the world, when they refuse to concede any good generation in those you believe in. But you glaringly fail the friendship litmus test, when you actually have the gaul to decry a friend’s political beliefs as dumb, when you haven’t even uttered how ANTIFA are a bunch of vigilante Punisher wannabes in hoodies tweaked out on Crystal Meth yet.
Last, you lose all motivational zeal to pick up the phone, when your parents, siblings or old friends call you for old time sake, knowing how the past 3 and half years and counting has only reinforced your depressingly nagging suspicion about how these people who are supposed to love your own special brand individuality, never valued your intelligence or capacity for critical thought very much in the 1st place, especially when they go out of their way, to make you feel bad about yourself, for trusting your own instincts, dreaming big and for rising above their limited, cubicle contained imaginations of what you’re capable of achieving without their huffy, belabored, no longer sought after fawned over approval at all.
Millennials don’t even know what a stamp looks like. Using them is an outdated practice like rubbers or hitting on girls at bars without swiping them over to their spot at the cider bar in the east village 1st. By now most Boomers do online banking. Plus, I haven’t gotten a birthday card on time from my parents since 86. But I’m supposed to believe mail in votes will arrive on time and spread like wildfire like a viral vidéo of America’s frontline doctors claiming how their use of hydroxychlorquine on patients has saved more patients from Covid related deaths than any faulty mask made in China ever could?
You still don’t believe the Coronavirus isn’t being exploited for nefarious ployed purposes? Then, why else would the mayor of NY to cancel the annual 9/11 light tribute this year, which he blew off last, over alleged Coronavirus concerns? Because I’m positive 1st responders who ran into the 2nd tower, are shaking in their boots at the prospect of catching an itchy esophagus from Covid. Can’t the Guardian Angels hang Deblasio from the Freedom Tower in the name of true social righting street justice already? It would be the only time the NYPD wouldn’t turn their back on hizzonner, because they’d be too busy talking pictures for their prématuré retirement parties from the force.
Trump is causing a rise in hate crimes, Reverend Re-Run Sharpton. And Jussie Smollett’s grandfather was the less angelic James Baldwin.
Bill Burr says, “It doesn’t look like anybody is going to beat Trump in 2020.” That’s like saying Louie will never wait to do a set the Cellar, even if he appeared on stage with sunglasses on, a trench coat and Sarah Silverman’s hoodie to wipe up with.
God gave men kids to provide social variety away from mama. So don’t be a lazy brain and half ass your attempt at winning your kid’s hearts with watching more Man City on the Teli around your kids or grandchildren because you’re such an informed, evolved history buff, especially when your kids are hard core American Dad Enthusiasts, if Child Services forced them to take a lie detector test, after Do It All Dad in Divorce Court, insists on fighting for 50 percent custody, after proclaiming in court defending himself like Lenny Bruce without the career, proclaiming, “American Dad is educational. How else will my children know W, married a librarian from Texas, who married into the Illuminati. Who still acts better than other first ladies like Melania or Hillary Hammer Time Cankles? At least Hillary tried to get rich or die trying bitch.
I read an article on Fatherly.com claiming Dads, normally not too involved, during their marriage, become more involved Dads with their kids after they get divorced because the wife is no longer facilitating the conversation at the dinner table. Personally, I’ve never had this problem, because I’m the loudmouth New Yorker, not her, who’s louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. The Yankees win a playoff game last year. The next morning, I tell my daughter, “The Yankees won. ” She replies, “I heard.” You’re the reason New York City and all of Northern Westchester never sleeps. I’ll always cherish my sleepy father in law’s embrace my bombastic, ultra-chatty personality during my 1st sit down dinner with my girlfriend, now wife and a married couple I haven’t seen since. Halfway into me scoring a steady stream of laugh yanks from this married couple, my father in law blurts with annoyed disgust, “He talks more than the other one.” Meaning, the borderline mute finance my wife was planned to marry before we met, which I was never aware of till way after the fact for what’s worth. I don’t want prospective employers to think I’m a Mute Man Marriage Wrecker. “He talks more than the other one.” Translation, I live in Delaware away from Jew York for a reason. Give me an H1-B developer to conduct code review with, who needs subtitles in order to be understood, over having to spend one more sec around the charming New York Jew, whose making my lack of stage presence in comparison, become more pronounced depressing by the second. So much for my one meeting with my mental health specialist, resolving any latent anger resentment issues remaining.
The reality is, if I wasn’t a talker, none of my kids would’ve have recognized my voice out of the womb, and that would’ve been tragic for my children, when even mommy, admits the following about our lucky number three, “Baby Samuel gets bored when he spends too much time with me. ” Always knew the kid was the quick leaner. Can I get a holla for a big time raise the roof, the best is yet come, Challah? First time I came up with that expression to use on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, my wife, huffs with extreme displeasure at the dinner table, insisting I was being 2 years into open mike stand-up comedy obscure, by trying to dumb dad shame me in front our 3 kids, stating, “What does that even mean? Can I get a holla for some Challah? It means can I get some props for a money, mo bread making line, babe.” My 3 kids didn’t have to understand the symbolic or literal extrapolated definition of my new rock-solid gold A Plus catchphrase in the making, because kids respond more to pumped up silly, than jaded, lifeless, droll troll verbosity.
One time, I gave my son a gentle hip toss on top of our bed, forgetting Art Show possess a bouncy ball spine, which sent Feather Foot flying off the bed inches away from smashing his head into the dresser from the sheer powerful bounce off the bed. Earlier tonight, he came into say hello when I was writing and I asked him he he wanted an elevator lift drop, but before lifting him up high , I give a voice to his own internal thoughts and say, “Daddy, don’t get carried away, with your elevator lift drop, I still have a bouncy ball stuck in my spine remember?” And my pitch perfect son laughs long time again. But if I wasn’t constantly talking around my son inside the womb and out, or using humor to help diffuse potentially traumatic, accidental dramatic situations, my children would suffer from anxiety like Kevin Love, despite him being NBA royalty, banging everything that moved at UCLA I’m assuming, owning an NBA ring, and never shamed for forgetting Lebron’s elaborate, inner sanctum, safe space, frat boy conjuring hand slap dances on the TNT.
Do you need to be a laugh hog in order to be a good parent? No, but you better recognize the importance of bringing the funny old man, or else, your kids will tune into mama, like the dronish, Scarlett Johansson in the movie Divorced, and she never struck me as a lightening rod of electric conversational might, AI, enhanced in her, in Her or if she’s the beneficiary of a Woody Allen punched up personality during his Scarlet Johansson phase or not. What was Woody’s new film supposed to be about again? Let me guess, some old creep who bangs a teenager again, called, Crimes and Misdemeanors, the Early Years. He took Kodak pictures of Sun Yee, only to stuff them in his top sock drawer, for safe keeping. The only thing missing was an old copy of Sun Yee on the cover of Time Life Magazine.
Does Soon Yee even have vocal cords? So, what’s my point? Boring kids is bad parenting. And F empathy, just be funnier old man. Your kids or grandkids fading interest in your company depends on it. Use your kids as open mikes, take creative chances, add levity to the situation instead of freaking out in disproportion to your kid spilling a drink at the dinner table. In Iran, they throw gays off roof tops after castration, so I’d say, we let our kid’s off light because the Media will be freaking out regardless anyway. Because our kids learn to laugh at our mistakes, in addition to American comedy exceptionalism, not on Al Jazeera or detected on Late Night with Stephen Colbert these days, whose command of funny these days, is like the state of our union, shaky.
I don’t want to be best supporting dad. That’s like winning best side bitch. Dads today are expected to do more than just get their wives pregnant every other 2 years, planned or not. So, try bossing through clowning around your kids more. It works, and don’t overuse your yelling voice or your kid won’t be able to distinguish you from CNN. Act like you’re genuinely excited to make your children happy, relying own your personality and imagination, instead of outsourcing their children’s entertainment to Baby Yoda and the mope maligned, Millennial Mouseketeer Darth Vader, the most petulant, annoying, grandson addition to an ex iconic franchise, I could give to BB 8 shits about.
Boring kids is bad parenting. You act like you want nothing to do with your only divorced daughter. You want to act like date night every Friday night is so much important than making sure she’s dealing with her new half baby brother, removing any remaining spotlight in her honor away from her, with your new wife, fine. No wonder I can feel the embedded jealousy, as I lift my son for an ariel double decker knee nosh sandwich for the road.
Social Justice is Dad proving he’s got the tools necessary to outshine scary mommy on the big stage, if he cares about about being more than mama’s side bitch underling forever. I’m very proud of raising kids who respect and recognize funny. There’s actual hope Do It All Dad Nation, for you to reclaim your status as the leading in-house star attraction of your house. It’s our last safe space for politically incorrect humor. Be a family man clown hero for your kids. Do you want your best friend to be the final speaker for your eulogy? I’d rather have my 1st born daughter, close the ceremony and own the room and start with, “Thanks for the laughs Daddy. Good luck trying to tune out my Dad out now God. You thought Joan Rivers sounds like a loudmouth on the rag. I just hope daddy opens with proven material and doesn’t wing it, unless he wants the challenge of coming back to life after dying the moment, he broke on through to the other side, where only the lady laugh lover clowns roam.”