Aborting Kosher For Vegetarianism

Abortions just fell to their lowest rate since 1973. Sarah Silverman has made it easier for fat hipsters to just say no. Especially, when they have to pull out early anyway from excessive meat sweats. Do you think that abortion joke was kosher enough for your blessed seal of approval, hate speech police?

In Genesis, vegetarianism was commanded by God as the ideal diet, especially if you’re stay at home dad. Who struggles enough with putting paper in the right recycling bin, let alone capable of making sure the meat dishes at home never come in contact with the dairy ones, regardless if the time release Adderall is in permanent kicked in mode, or not.

Growing up, my parents kept a Kosher home, keeping the meat and dairy silverware in separate drawers, which was a nice concept while it lasted. Reality is, the silverware often got mixed up by my younger brother and I. Who didn’t realize we were inviting God’s wrath for crossing swords of in house cutlery, with our designated Kosher silverware, lying them down together, in such a non-anal, care free manner like sodomites frolicking on the sand in Fire Island casting away only our Rainbow colored Speedo’s for a fall dip into the Atlantic for Yom Kippur.

Recently, I’ve made a commitment to follow easy to follow commandments from God such as hanging up the Mezuzah on my doorpost, check. Teaching my kids, the Shema prayer inside the Mezuzah, still working on it. Keeping Shabbat holy, with only one Shabbat candle, because according to my wife we’re only a half Jewish household. Us having only one fancy schmancy Shabbat candle has nothing to do with my Putzy Jewy DNA, cracking the 1st, seconds after I threw into in my backpack like a live grenade for the car ride home soon after. Another commandment I followed last Saturday, was not working on writing new material to be shadow banned on Twitter during our day of ordained rest from the endless quest to prove our indelible worth outside of raising good kids, who respect God, country, freedom and excellence in whatever you love to do the most.

So following God’s commandments is now important to me, knowing I could use all the Karma miles I can get. Now, I’m writing a play about a talking horse, titled Horsing Around With Hinduism. because of the Hindu worship of cows and adherence to the vegetarian diet which frankly, is cheaper and easier to follow, for an all over the place Jew like myself. Also, with my added savings I can splurge on multiple toppings of mixed cheeses from Cabot cheddar for my blanched broccoli, sautéed shitake rigatoni bake casserole supreme. Adding a dollop of mayo, injects the dish with a sultry layer of creaminess. Thanks for the tip Paula Dean. What’s the name of her new clothing line again, Plantation Nation?

Also, I’m aborting Kosher for vegetarianism because I don’t like feeling like elitist white coast trash. For only refraining from eating pork because pigs are smarter than Ben and Jerry’s cows. I was at an Italian deli yesterday to pick up a small batch of egg plant parm. After sampling a joke, the owner got miffed at my surging Mojo and tries to shame me with my 2 boys present and says, “You want to work here on the weekends? I said, “Sure if I was 17 and still ate pork, you dumb mook.” Personally, I like to make Italian deli guys uncomfortable with my egg and cheese only orders. Standard reply is, “No bacon with that.” Meanwhile, I’m thinking, I’m sorry is that order not manly enough for you, Dominick, I ain’t know faggy fruit, Scholanti.

Aborting Kosher for vegetarianism means, I won’t be missing the taste of my dad’s anemic, burnt Kosher steaks, looking like Jeff Ross plopped on it on a bean bag to rub his comedic Buddha belly for some late night inspiration. This is Jeff Ross roasting Jim Acosta. So, does CNN just shove a mike in front of anyone with good hair, Who doesn’t look too alt rightish?

I’ll never forget my 1st sales dinner at Morton’s in Beverly Hills, eating an anti-kosher meal for the ages, shrimp wrapped in bacon and a scrumptious Porterhouse for 2, I had no intention of sharing, after earning almost 100 grand in billing for the staffing company in one month, still not understanding the actual concept of commission just yet. How my dad failed to open me up to the larger than life, conquest meals at Peter Luger’s for extra incentive to make mo money in this world, so I wouldn’t remain dependent on eating cheese steaks the rest of my life is beyond me knowing he was hailed as a rainmaker within the plastic sales industry, who never had to pay for gas throughout the majority of his adult life. Also, aborting kosher for vegetarianism to make veggie loaded cheesesteaks instead of frying up pink slices of roast beef in butter and onions is a far superior tantalizing experience visually, in addition to offering more textured, yumminess, without my kids yelling in unison, “Meat yuck.” Because dad decided to eat an entire pound of roast beef homemade cheese steaks to his head again, God forbid.

Also, I’ve decided to abort kosher for vegetarianism because the cow at the Stew Leonard’s farm took a nosh out of my daughter’s hair but eventually let go of it in a gentle manner, as I got lost in the cow’s dreamy, moon size eyes, showcasing more glimmers of deep thought than pigs are capable of allegedly.

Although, if you want to stop eating pork, take your kids to a county fair to watch a bunch of little Babe’s sucking on mama teets for a late afternoon, hipster inspired brunch. It’s an adorable sight and quite a nurturing one. That’s another thing our so-called enlightened baby boomer parents never taught us about having children of our own. Parenthood makes you way more sensitive to senseless, self-serving slaughter. How my wife can still tolerate the muffled moans of despair soundtrack to the Handmaid’s Tale is beyond me. I’ll still never forgive my wife for insisting I get into Game of Thrones with her, knowing I had to watch a daughter burned at the stake because a witch convinced the father to do it. Another reason, I’m horsing around with exposing my kids to more Hinduism, compared to more Bible for kid chapters, detailing, old testament wrath of God pre-Noah because his children didn’t believe in his authority enough. Why am I sounding more like an atheist in denial as this blog post progresses?

Still, I haven’t eaten meat for more than month and I’ve never felt lighter on my feet. I got major hang time on the bouncy castle at the Kids U yesterday. My white man’s disease no longer felt like a fixed, permanent reality, where I’d have to seek out a Voodoo Doctor from Washington Heights to reverse my unmoving, soar free fate.

Also, you can’t complain about all of my kid’s complexions, being beneficiaries of the vegetarian diet mixed with salmon avocado rolls along the way. Most kids at day care centers have moldy complexions, looking they just took a blast to a face with an Elmer’s Glue gun. Ok, so I can’t eat mussels, clams, lobster or shrimp at home, if I continue to decide to keep a Kosher home. I think God can live with this current, trying to please God and respect his divine powered authority arrangement. I don’t know if God is going to allow my soul to soar upward to the Heavenly pearly gates if I ever eat a Crab Cake at the Oyster Bar in Grand Central with their famed Baltimore sauce to celebrate getting a lit agent already, but it’s promising step in the right, less white trash elitist conjuring direction, which is a win, win, in my book.

Michael Kornbluth

Feminism Killed Pick Up Ball

Bill Burr making fun of what the feminist movement has become in his comedy special on Netflix.

The Woman’s March on Washington was disgusting. All I saw was a whole lot of Rosie’s, sporting a whole lot of chin’s. Like I would have my daughter watch it. Daddy, what’s Pussy Power? A new show on Amazon Prime?

Ashley Judd wasn’t raped. She declined an invitation to watch Harvey Weinstein shower himself down in his 5 star suite at the 4 Seasons. Granted, Kentucky gals have plenty of experience judging fat pigs at the County fair.

Why do feminists support Joe Biden? He went skinny dipping at his house with the Secret Service there. That’s like President Trump golfing nude with Kid Rock and Sarah Palin on Ramadan.

I though the feminist movement was started to secure voting rights for woman, not to place Miley Cyrus on the same moral standing as Jesus Christ superstar incarnate.

Why doesn’t anyone call Hillary Hitler? She financed the fake news story about Russian Collusion to cover up what an unhuggable cunt she is. She exposed Nikki Sixx’s snowflake side. You want to talk monstrous?

Does Baby Face Omar text Obama for what Toni Morrison or Maya Angelo quote to use next? Yeah, I don’t see Norah Ephron making Obama’s final cut either. Take a hike Susan Rice. Living in the Big Easy doesn’t make you black enough bitch.

Imagined future interview for a staff Writer role in the city. So you’ve been a stay at home Dad for almost a decade. My father prefers the expression sheltered bum. CEO of new media startup laughs longtime.

All I know is Mick Jagger sounds like Al Gore to me now. And I don’t like it, like it.

I just noticed ankle fat, draped over the back of my Air Jordan’s. I’m no better than Hillary Hammer Time Cankels. And I did Box Jumps today. I bet Hillary has certain aids jump through rings of fire for her box. Pay to play bitches.

EXT. PARK-6PM

Do It All Dad approaches a couple on a bench.

Do It All Dad

Do kids play ball anymore? Also, school just started. Today, they can’t even give basketballs away at Modell’s. Even if they come with Dwight Howard’s trans girlfriends hand prints on it.

My jokes are hidden from the majority of users on Twitter. So what other forms of entertainment do they got? Woman on the bench laughs long time.

 

Michael Kornbluth

Moving Beyond Carnitas Tacos

Salmon Trout doesn’t belong in tacos. It belongs on a buffet station at your hotel in Norway, next to a bowl of capers, pickled herring and 1000 types of room temperature regulated Brie.

Salmon tastes better rolled up in rice or sandwiched between bagel bread and New York made cream cheese because we’re more demanding bitches to please.

White Corn Tortillas are alright. But the sugary white part tones down the corny earthiness. It’s like Kelly Ripa writing jokes for Jeff Foxworthy.

White Corn Tortillas are like George Lopez.
You know George Lopez wants to be loved by white America but not enough to refrain from injecting toppings of Spanish for realer earthiness Holmes.

Sauteed Black Bean tacos in butter, farm fresh plucked orange green peppers, red onion, with bulbs of whole garlic, swirled in it, with homemade chunky red tomato salsa on top is veggie supreme bliss Mang.

Fried Cod used in fish tacos, draped in a Chipotle or Avocado Crema and crunchy, purple slaw eaten at Padres games with Padre is the best. Salmon Trout used in fish tacos with pineapple salsa isn’t.

If you’re going to make Pineapple Salsa, at least be man enough to cut a Pineapple yourself. Because using the pre-cut kind means you’re being a half-ass homo about going all the way with it.

If you make your kids tacos at home. Your kids can’t be accused of Xenophobia at school because they learn fear of making Mexican accented cuisine at home.

Making 2 different types of salsa means you’ve got 2 much free time on your hands between mommy coming back from leading her new mommy meet up group already.

If you suck at rolling joints, chances are your Taco rolling skills won’t be so tight. Come to think of it, a filter to block the salsa from falling out would be handy though.

Michael Kornbluth