No More Bud Troubles

Old roommate in LA says, “I think you smoke too much weed because you have no friends out here.” Dan did have a point. The psychoactive green did keep my pangs of deep rooted loneliness at bay over TV showings of the Howard Stern Show on E before he became weird, weak, woke, Howard and started his non-stop apology tour for being the egotistical prick he always was to ensure he still got invited to Jimmy Kimmel’s house for more 2 bite Chicken Parm dinners. 

My ex-girlfriend and TV spec script writing partner who became my roommate soon after encouraged me to take an overdue break from the weed to unleash my full expressive potential, so I could get paid as a funny man freak on a leash writer who would become a proud member of the WGA one day. We wrote TV spec scripts together for shows such as Curb Your Enthusiasm, my favorite spec being the one I wrote without her called Passion Of Schmendel, during one my purifications off the weed, because according to my psychic in West Hollywood, my Chakras were more clogged than my freshman one hitter. I wrote the TV spec script before I learned the national weed holiday 4/20 is actually Hitler’s birthday to, which at the time, made me feel more betrayed than when I learned Sylvester Stallone snuck Mel Gibson into Expendables 3. 

My former life of being an abusive, live to binge pothead, caused me more friendship bud troubles, than I’d like to admit, until I became a semi-functioning IT Headhunter when I was 22 years old in LA, paying rent on my own finally, so I didn’t feel too much like a sheltered bum anymore. Developing a love for comedic storytelling and joke writing along the way, has given me a sturdier sense of self for almost 2 decades now, as I keep chipping away at the stone, to unearth more sheets of comedy gold to take an eventual victory lap in a comedy gold mobile of my own.  

I finally made more than a stoner bud, when I met Jay from LA at an IT staffing firm in Century City where I did new business development and recruitment, cold calling decision makers twice my age 10 hours a day like a poor man’s Vin Diesel in Boiler Room. We started to become more than buds after Jay from LA urged me to leave my writing partner girlfriend who I was living with at the time, because he could tell from my sigh heavy veneer, whenever she’d call me at work, that she was sucking my life force dry man. Plus, Jay encouraged me to leave our current company and go work with him at his old IT staffing firm, which he regretted leaving already, located in the more idyllic, Beach Boys music magic making area of Manhattan Beach in Southern California and we’ve been more than stoner buds ever since. We eventually became roommates in Sherman Oaks in the valley, during my 1st year of zero laugh generation open mike stand up, when I’d open with jokes such as, “I’m so broke, my Hebrew name is under judicial review.” I can’t even stare at an actress on Melrose without being fined for insufficient funds.” During our roommate stint together, I got on the show Blind Date, yet all I got out of the show was a free meal and Herpes. 

After I self-published my 1st 2 books, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story, and Do It All Dad Does Jokes, I called Jay and told him I wanted to celebrate in style by seeing Aerosmith belt out Chip Away At The Stone together in Vegas, because that’s what I wanted to do, which he got us primo tickets for, making it top priority of the summer.

So, what’s my message for the youth today, to help preserve their special spark? First, don’t smoke weed in high school because your brains aren’t fully developed yet. Plus, we’re not all productive stoners on the sacramental herb that grew on King Solomon’s grave, the way rude boy Bob Marely was on it. Now, when you’re done with college and been at a job for more than year without getting fired, feel free to reward yourself with a one hitter of the herb, which is easier to enjoy paranoid free, once your identity is more fully formed on top of you having a more fleshed out idea about what you’d like to dedicate your life towards, besides recreating the stony induced giggles from the watching the Dark Crystal on sprayed weed from the Bronx that tastes like Windex. Also, it’s much more rewarding in life to be a creator innovator of some kind than being another stale sounding, consumer critic on the rag like the rest. Last, don’t let your scrumptious green inhalation become an all-consuming life suck, which prevents you from getting out into the real world to develop longer lasting, life enriching friendships compared to stoner buds from high school or in college, which easily fade away.

I love my friend Jay from LA for deriving endless joy from my rising comedic mojo and for never urging me to tone down my highly inappropriate edge, where I act like the entire world outside the house is an open mike to sample material on and kill loudly with. The same friend who reviewed my pre-election audio book comedy special, Resist This on Kobo without me ever asking him to do, after walking in on me rehearsing awful attempts at jokes in front of the mirror 15 years prior back in our old bachelor pad in Sherman Oaks, California during my 1st year of zero laugh generation open mike stand up,  which makes Jay from LA much more than a stoner bud to me.   

Michael Kornbluth 

Bank on Bette Getting Dem Ol’ Blues

Joe Biden calling the Democratic Party a unifying force is like calling the Clinton Foundation a charity for others. And Julia Louis Dreyfus could’ve been Joan Rivers if she stuck to Stand-Up. While were at it, let’s accuse President Trump of being a non discriminatory horn dog like Bill, whose allergic to high end trim. Next, still your President Trump through 2024, will give the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Bette Midler for her contribution to making Drag Queen Reading Hour great again, inspiring Drag Queens to show their faces in public during broad daylight under incredibly unforgiving fluorescent library lights, knowing Dolly Parton impersonaters don’t look as flattering without wearing such heavy makeup. If President Trump, feels more than generous than usual, he’ll even invite the Chipmunk Chucker from Golden State and the rest his family to the White House for his post inauguration winning ball, after he wins the popular vote and the electoral this time, to prove that Ray Allen light, in the clutch department to, should’ve left his fake news persecuted existence, being a son of NBA royalty back in San Francisco, where Janis got out when the getting was good. So, cry, cry baby.

Michael Kornbluth

Make Scowling Great Again

Why doesn’t Biden just let Kamala  Harris run for President instead? Because Vice Presidents lives never matter, especially when they remain  discarded vice presidential nominees among the dustbins of US elections past, because scowling doesn’t count as charisma. Plus, middle class black America has a low tolerance for another fake news biracial hopeful one after Obama did less for black people than BLM protests have done for NBA ratings on TNT.

Michael Kornbluth

Our Post Woke Plagued Universe

California Governor Gavin Newsom  is set to release up to 18,000 prisoners by the end of August to slow the spread of COVID.  Can’t the Correction Officers just raid their cells for smokes and call it a day? That’s right, Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi is decrying weed as a miracle drug to cure Covid, despite the disease responsible for puncturing holes through lungs, requiring lung transplants among certain Covid carriers as young as twenty years old. So what’s the difference?

Michael Kornbluth