Root Down Mixes Rule

3 months into our relationship, girlfriend now wife says, “I won’t covert to Judaism.”

I said, “Fine, but if I forget to ask if you’re the pill because I’m stoned again. I want to raise our kids Jewish.”

She says, “Only if we raise them pescatarian”, which includes a vegetarian based diet with fish like crawfish, which is shrimp with more personality.

I said, “Why not? Jesus was the original super Jew, deal. He worked as a freelance fisherman when his carpentry business for giant crosses hadn’t caught on like wildfire yet.”

Now, we rock the Koshertarian Diet at home, and I perform Shabbat prayers by throwing in an occasional, “Can I get a holla for some Challah?”

Granted, my gentile wife can’t fight the urge to inject our house with Christmas forced cheer through tainting our Jewish home during Hanukkah with Oreo Candy Canes, Gnomes and paint your own Gingerbread homes from Michaels. Because Catholic High School girls are more colorful holiday celebrators than their ho hum waspy counterparts.

But you know your wife doesn’t think Jews are the root of all evil if she tricks out the Gingerbread house with a Star of David on top.

I told our kids the Gingerbread House converted.

Daughter asks, “What does converted means?”

I said, “Kicking it Old School Testament style.”

Beastie Boys live, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Favoring Mars Attacks

Daughter get’s a tad freaked after watching Aliens blast congress to skulls and bones in the movie Mars Attacks. Later, I calm down my daughter and say, “Matilda, Sci-Fi means it takes place in the future. We can only be so lucky. I’d want Rand Paul to get out alive though. So he could conduct an experiment on Dr. Gnocchi, by forcing him to dress in a Fred Perry polo at gunpoint by an Alien Aids blaster to see if he’d morph into a Proud Boy and tell ANTIFA to go pound sand for once in his weasel laden, extremist wicked life.”

All of a sudden, Fuck Face Fauci morphs into a sexist pig after being forced to wear a Fred Perry Polo shirt at gunpoint by an Alien Aids blaster immune to Magic Johnson’s HIV inhibitor secret stash. Fuck Fauci tells AOC on CNN, “To get knocked up and shut the fuck up about being a non-essential Betty Draper cranked up on Joe Biden’s high grade Adderall already. That get’s Hunter in the zone whenever he does more blow painting, between snorting more lines of Ritalin at the local Chateau Marmont under new alias Brandon Lee Biden, since he got kicked out for baking crack cocaine in their bungalows, getting tweaked on more crank, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall. Can I get a holla, for some high octane blasting , Challah? Tim Burton lives. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

All-Star Stuff

All-Star Stuff 

Wife says, “Samuel, loves Space Jam 2 because it’s a father son story. I say, “Unless Lebron’s son triggers his dad by killing off Michael Jordan’s legacy from becoming the 7 ringed man, I’m not interested. My name is Bronny Bronny from Bel Air. Your zoom call with your 6 trophies in the background killed off my father’s surging sense of self-esteem during the fall of 2021. Prepare to die of an aired out heart in 15 years after I became the 7 ringed man. It’s gotta to be the bat shoes made in Wuhan, Wuhan.” Wu Tang lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth