Drinking Material Filler

Gave up drinking beer last summer. I felt terrible about spending so much time hungover, RECYCLNG, endless, empty reminders of my lush littered past, as entire Rocky Marathons on AMC passed me by.

I got asked for ID yesterday while getting some beer. I say, “I used to get malt liquor when I was 18. My favorite brand was Old English, Snoop Dog’s ho sprayer of choice to be exact. Have you tried Snoop Dog’s new wine? Wine Spectator says, “It tastes like mouthwash used in Porn Hood Hell.”

Mom just texts me from wine country in Virginia and asks, “Did you recommend me getting into white viognier wine ? I text back, “Yes, viogniers pack creamier heft, than most chardonnays. Not that Hillary would know the difference. Still, it would be Huma Licker’s Breath last option on Epstein Island, OK, Dennis Leary lives, if he came out as a Trump Truther Republican, holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Hillary Should’ve Hailed A Cab In Harlem

Do you remember when it took Hillary Hammer Time Cankle’s 5 times to get her MetroCard to work, for a failed photo op in a subway station in Harlem? Before swipe number 5, you can see Hillary Hammer Time Cankles, give herself a pep talk,  muttering, underneath her stank afternoon Chardonnay breath, “Super predators, I mean black people are watching.  You can do it.”

Michael Kornbluth

The Never Ending Hug

Dada, I never want this hug to end. No offense to mama, but your wedding anniversary celebrates the birth of our family together to. Sure, I was still in mama’s super snug womb at the time. And mama was barely showing at the wedding. And I wasn’t born for another six months but still.

I never want this hug to end. I can’t imagine such a snuggly, fun filled life without you in it Dada. I know we don’t have a normal family with you being an unemployed stay at home comedian and host of the Do It All Dad Year Podcast. And I know I give you grief about having a sharing banked account with mommy because you don’t make money anymore. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know your comedy train is bound for Benjamin producing glory Dada. Especially, if you start having me do more on your Do It All Dad Year Podcast than just intros for it. Can I get a hallah for some Challah? Funnier dad, happier, babies. I’m living proof of it.

I never want this hug to end Dada. Don’t mind mama. She’s got baby Samuel, Instagram and Arthur to entertain her. Plus, I know she’s not complaining about that super spicy Zin you got for your eight year wedding anniversary. I can’t wait to try a sip. Old Vine Zins are only made in America like Canadian comic millionaires like Rick Moranis, right Dada?

I never want this hug to end Dada. I know your new friend resolution is to find an editor to become the best friend you never had besides me of course. So he can become your most vocal backer, reign in your super intense, outrageous personality and make sure your humor book about modern fatherhood as an Unemployed Comedian/Father of 3 becomes a best seller Dada. If it sells, it’s art. I remember Dada. Can I sell our family drawings at your books signings at the Barnes and Noble in Union Square? I’ll use plenty of magenta and purple haze in honor of Jimi to make sure our family pic really pop like the left handed genius at Monterey.

I never want this hug to end Dada. You already call me eight foot 2. Insisting I put on undies the sec I get out of the tub. So the Chinese Underworld has less to see. You say I’m going to outgrow wanting to hang out with you every sec before I know it. And no longer give you unexpected pecs on your cheek in your writing office, my future room next year by the way in case you forgot already. A deal is a deal Dada.

So keep on banging out chapters and more jokes for The Stay At Home Comedian, Dada. I know you’re going to make it a comedic masterpiece. I hear your train coming daddy. And pretty soon you’re going to buy this town. And you’re going to buy this town. And you’ll put it all in your funny man clown shoes. That’s what you’re going to do. That’s what’s you’re going do. Happy 8th Wedding Anniversary Dada. But make sure mama doesn’t polish off the Zin so fast and hook up your better half already.

Michael Kornbluth