Hatching Happenings

Fire sets urgency apart.

From non-essential, pussy footing, gun shy lonely hearts.

Urgency earns.

Ask perpetually bitchy Christopher in the Sopranos after he gets his button and becomes his turn.

Fires fade when urgency doesn’t get laid.

Fire and urgency go hand in hand.

Like our band of brothers on D-Day.

Who refused to bury their heads in the sand.

Urgency gets you up at 5am.

Fired up to get a head start on your competition.

Fuck Zen.

Urgency is value creation.

Or else you’re begging for more disinvitations.

Anything less than urgent, is below blah.

Think, the opposite of Poison, on their album, Open Up and Say Ah.

Urgency creates action.

There’s plenty of time for relaxin.

What’s urgent is hot new.

What’s not is leftover stew.

Lack of urgency is an emergency.

Winner killers like MJ show no mercy.

Urgency is taking matters into your own hands.

The opposite is waiting to die way up high in the stands.

Urgency is rage against dying of the light.

It’s only the remedy against lifelong stage freight.

Urgency provides us with real time highs.

Say goodbye to time release Adderall and bags under your eyes.

Urgency gets emails read.

When others have checked out prematurely and gone to bed.

Urgency alerts us to changes needed.

When everything in your life feels empty and depleted.

Urgency motivates you to change your ways.

So, you don’t end up, so mentally crippled and hazed.

Urgency makes reality very clear.

Drinking is only fun when you’re skinny in front of a mirror.

Urgency throws caution into the sea.

Who else would you rather be besides a sex beam blaster she he?

By she, he, I mean hot and bright.

Who knows only to chill after giving their best fight.

What’s attractive about settling anyway?

When you know you’re medium happy on a good day.

Urgency is passing concealed & carry laws in Texas.

Because our Founding Fathers knew anarchy would reign by disabling the defenseless.

Texas Rep. Kevin Brady says, “Urgency creates action.”

Which is fine and dandy.

If you’re a funny man actor from Canada who refuses his booster shot in the name of John Candy.

Urgency is God listening to chirpy birds hatching happenings.

Michael Kornbluth

Not Working LinkedIn 

I hate the #OPENTOWORK hashtag badge on LinkedIn.

It feels like white-collar panhandling.

It’s the worst networking innovation since Meetups for out-of-work Cup Scout leaders.

And who chose that puke moss green color?

It’s not an inviting sea foam green or handsome conjuring IVY.

It looks like some target sign that appears in Predator’s headset.

Plus, the dark olive-green badge drains your profile pic of all-electric edge.  

Slap that #OPENTOWORK badge on Gweneth Paltrow’s pic and still evokes stained Avocado pits.

Mug shots offer more color contrast.

It looks like a sign you wear around your head in Game of Thrones while having apple pits thrown at your head. Shame on you, LinkedIn, shame. 

Badges should scream earned respectability like one on a racehorse for winning the Derby.

Does the #OPENTOWORK badge feel like a prominent brand plug to you?

For me, it screams, please wait to swipe past my profile.

Good recruiters don’t need permission to make the 1st move on candidates. They’re not sweating the prospect of being charged with unwanted aggression through LinkedIn Recruiter. 

Also, if the candidate is out of work due to recent layoffs in the tech space, isn’t the #OPENTOWORK badge option rubbing it in?

If my future wife wore an #OPENTONEWLOVE badge on her shirt when I approached her on Barry Diller’s balcony, it would’ve stripped the moment of all spontaneous charged lift.

“Hi, I’m Joshua; I work for CitySearch. I couldn’t help but notice your #OPENTONEWLOVE badge on your shirt. In other words, yes to flirty.”

Yes, to flirty, Challah. Thank you very much.

Your Favorite Headhunter Writer, 

Joshua Kornbluth 

Hanukkah Cockblockers

It’s your fault if you don’t make Hanukkah more festive than Christmas. I get it. Most likely Jesus himself who celebrated Hanukkah with his apostles, even invented Christmas to make the holiday season feel more festive. When the strongest drink offered was Manischewitz before eggnog was invented. Spinning Beastie Boys records while blaring Intergalactic planetary to honor the Aliens in helping his fellow Hebrews build the Great Pyramids wasn’t a thing yet. Can’t all the Jews, Muslims and Christians unite on the 1st night of Hanukkah on the premise behind Home Depot never being erected in the Israelites’ honor? Growing up, I’d push my dad to honor my mom’s Christian side after she converted. I say, “Dad, mom dumped Jesus to marry into your putzy DNA. The least you can do is let mom throw up a tree. Dad says, “The only time a Jew from the Bronx would get a Christmas Tree is if he planned to convert it into a tricked-out Treehouse and flip it for a profit.”

Finally, one year, my year my dad budges and allows my mom this pathetic, sorry excuse for a bonsai tree relegated to the side patio covered in cobwebs that got less touches than a St. James Bible at a bath house colony in Pronvincetown. But seriously, can’t you see Jesus recognizing the festive limitations of Hannukah after receiving one carved dreidel too many? Jesus says, “Thanks for the Dreidel, Judas. I’m glad that my carpentry session on dreidel building 101 at The 92 Street Y paid off so handsomely. But why don’t we make Channukah a more drawn-out celebration that’s ten times festive by celebrating my birthday for the entire month of December after Hannukah.”

Matthew says, “Yeah, but Jesus wouldn’t Hannukah then be considered a forgettable warm act, that gives you ball balls just thinking about it.  You were born my immaculate conception, right? Yet by the time your 4 brothers James, Joseph, Judas, and Simon were born, the magic was gone baby, baby gone.”

Jesus replies, “Yeah, but I had a vision in desert last night about a future comedian named Billy Crystal bemoaning in his autobiography, Baby Boomer Arrogance Never Dies, about how Jews bend over backwards to adopt Christmas traditions, so they don’t feel so old world clingy Jewy. Nobody cares anymore about the rocking band of Maccabees reclaiming the Great Temple of Solomon because they’re not the polytheistic whores like the rest. Taylor Swift is the number recording artists in the future, and she grew up on a Christmas Tree farm for Christ’s sake.” Hillary Hammer Time Cankles strikes again, Challah. Thank you very much.

Matthew asks, “What’s a Christmas Tree Jesus? “Jesus says, “A camouflaged cross, but it’s going to be tricked out in lights that run on electricity, which will outshine any burn a mile of minute candles on a Menorah.  Any Jewish record executive would jam a pinecone up their ass if they promised Taylor Swift more inclusiveness gayness spirit to be produced on her next Christmas album.

Now, I used to get very tense about the mention of Jesus, but not anymore, since my invention of a new tradition, Jesus Fridays, which allows me to break my Koshertarian diet of the past 2 years and counting. Understand, I’ve been following the Koshertarian Diet for 2 years now. Finally, I’ve allowed myself the inclusion of shellfish for a special occasion because who cares about eating soulless shellfish? Plus, Jesus, the original super Jew rocked the Pescatarian diet. So, if it’s good enough for Jesus, then it’s good enough for me. I also like the idea of acting less like an all-knowing exalted prick. And celebrating Jesus Fridays inspires me to connect with my fellow Gentile like a retired fireman who runs the best deli in Westchester in North White Plains. Outside my new office, after just resurrecting my IT Headhunter Writer career. Where I’m getting paid to creatively sell job opportunities for Software Engineers, digital designers, and Information Technology workers in general, whose job prospects have more legs than Lieutenant Dan. I like Jesus Fridays because it divorces me from perpetuating any messianic complex of my own, which screams, the original version of the Bible is better than second part that I’ve barely dabbled in for the most part. And I’m tired of being that old timer Gen X guy that just bemoans new age Simpsons episodes as woke filler compared to season 1 through 7 without even dabbling in the newer versions to make any ultra judgy informed decisions of my own. Like when I saw Juno, ages ago and got angry about how everyone was hailing the hardcore hilarity of it, when I saw Juno as nothing more than a poor girls’ Jeanne Garafalo. I wrote a blog about the movie being overhyped, yet I told myself afterwards, don’t be a critic, hack breath like the rest. It’s way better to originate, then merely pontificate. So, I wrote mini porn parody that I turned into my 1st screenplay, Juno Does Williamsburg, later named Brooklyn Blogger. Edgeless titles suck pinecone dick, Challah. Thank you very much.

At the same time, I’ve worn Jewish pride on my sleave for the past 5 years and change as host of the Do It All Dad Year Podcast, responsible for banging out comedy records such as Big Mouth Moses, Koshertarian Offensive, and the Pig-Headed Jew, Challah. Thank you very much. I’ve also written and published The Great American Jew Novel, which Diane Sullivan from the Midwest Book Review described as a “Hilarious exploration of New York Comedy and Culture.” Which proves that my material wasn’t too overtly Jewy pushy annoying for the Heartland’s tastes. And for the past 2 months, I’ve renamed my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, the Shabat Shalom Ramble, in honor of my dad accusing me of never being on point, despite him proclaiming 5 years ago before I launched my podcast, how nobody cares about my political opinions anyway, 45 thousand page views on my Do It All Dad Year blog later.

 Well, I haven’t read the news since Dominion Machines won. And I don’t see Kari Lake recruiting Linda Hamilton as her VP to take down the new Sky Net For good. Plus, how much more can we stomach talk of Alex Jones being bad Santa versus John Fetterman being a burnt out offering of the Democratic party who looks like the Good Will Grinch who showers in Bong Water. So, more than ever 3 million Jews in the US, according to Alexa, which is most likely an inflated claim, like Antifa still being nothing more than an idea in Patton Oswalt graphic novels, about a gang of wannabe Punisher vigilantes, in hoodies, could use some miraculous ways to modernize Hannukah and make it more festive than Christmas than Google ever would. Because I want other Jewish American Dads to derive extended Nachas from pronounced Jewish pride from their offspring when they proclaim to Daddy how they get butterflies in their stomach every day before each night of Hanukah begins, which was the opposite of my experience growing up. Getting a Pinball Machine one tear one year for Hannukah was unbelievable, despite being woken up every night prior to Hannukah because dad couldn’t resist the urge to play with it himself and break it in personally. Which made my younger brother and I believe that Aliens from Space Invaders were raining Gama Rays on top of our house eight nights prior to Hannukah because my dad was making his best Hannukah gift all about his own self-enrichment over ours. Still, my dad was raised an only child, so you can’t blame him for occupying his inner loneliness in his forties the week before Hanukah, because playing Dreidel by himself, gets played out faster than trying jerk off with your left in honor of shortest-lived New Year’s resolution yet. Which only leads to more played out blue ball’s devastation. So, here’s 8 ways to start making Hannukah more festive than Christmas. There are 14 million Jews worldwide. So, if this post goes viral, my Hannukah wish of 8 million butterflies can come true. And you can’t knock the miracle of mitzvah moves, Challah. Thank you very much.

  1. Understand, I haven’t collected paychecks in 8 whole years till this past December after resuming my IT Headhunter Career, where I can drop lines like, “Michael Kornbluth here, Recruiting Manager for Digital Unicorns USA. With a last name like Kornbluth, I specialize in mind control, in Kayne’s mind. So, when my wife tells me, “Don’t get carried away with getting the kids gifts this year for Hannukah.” I fire back with, “New tradition kids, when you get 3 Big Kahuna gifts on the 1st night of Hannukah. You each declare loud and proud, “Hannukah Hatrick, Challah” I add, “So, in this instance, go woke yourself babe, Gentile Grinch.” Challah. Thank you very much.
  2. 2nd way to make Hanukkah more festive is to start the tradition of Hannukah Halloween. And force your son to dress up like Van Halen with a pack of candy cigarettes in hand. Who cares if your mini air guitar appendage looks like an overdose at the limelight waiting to happen. Party Monster spirits live, Challah. Thank you very much.
  3. 3rd way to make Channukah more festive is to play Dreidel for Bitcoin versus more fake news Gelt. But explain the rules in humorous ways. For example, when the dreidel lands on Hey, you sing, “Hey, hey Paula, I want to marry you. Now give me half and full custody of the kids. I don’t want you coughing your natural immunity all our kids anymore, you anti-vaxer piece of shit.” Challah, thank you very much. Shin, means put it in, think Cardi B on a slow Tuesday. Nun, means nothing, goonish. Remember our routine at the Deli Matilda, when you could only put 2 words together? What did Tyson Chandler give the Knicks Daddy? And you’d say,” Bookpus, Boopku. And Gimmel means, give me everything because we control all the blockchain technology, Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole too. Son says, “Samuel, don’t even think of stealing my bitcoin, or I’ll sell your pure blood on the Dark Web along with your vintage Cobra Commander with the blue mask and eyes holes in it that looks like Gung Ho’s bottom bitch in Robot Chicken remake of Pulp Fiction.” 8 million butterflies Challah, thank you very much.
  4. 4th way to make Hannukah more festive than Christmas is to play the Adam Sandler Channukah song on Vinyl backwards only to hear the latest and greatest chorus addition, “Linda Sarsour, not a fan.” Challah. Thank you very much.
  5. 5th way to make Hannukah more festive than Christmas is to Jewish guilt Software Engineers at Amazon into seriously questioning the state of their moral compass by sending them LinkedIn Inn-Mail messages through LinkedIn Recruiter that read, “Tell Bezos to make the Hebrew Hammer available on Amazon prime already despite Florida and antisemitism being so hot right now.” 8 million butterflies, Challah. Thank you very much.
  6. 6th way to make Hannukah more festive than Christmas is to sign your kids up for art classes that teach your kids how make masked morons made out of clay for fuck the CDC day. 8 million butterflies, Challah. Thank you very much.
  7. 7th way to make Hannukah more festive than Christmas, permit your kids the freedom to pile drive mommy’s white Guido, non-denominational tree while dressed as Mr. Wonderful for Channukah Halloween instead. 8 million butterflies, Challah. Thank you very much.
  8. 8th way to make Hannukah more festive than Christmas is to launch your Burning Mask Party already, for eight glorious nights while throwing some of mama’s Gnomes on top because they look like Santa’s burn out Trust Fund Babies on Social Security. What’s another burnout offering after making Goodwill Grinch Fetterman the new face of the Democratic Party. So, what difference does it make? 8 million butterflies, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Deep Biting Masterpiece

December 7, 2022

Dear Allison Adler,

Florida and Anti-Semitism are so hot right now, which is why you need to give United We Laugh a chance. We can name our next book together Mitzvah Moves, after you become the number one champion of the most hardcore hilarious Headhunter Writer Comedian you haven’t heard of yet. Heart To Hearts, a one man show turned into book form about a Dad who keeps getting passed off to another of one of his Koshertarian Comedian kids while calling them from Union Square a week before Hannukah, ranting wildly into his smartphone while desperately trying to squeeze in some last minute heart to heart conversations with his favorite fans in the universe, while thinking he’s dying of a heart attack after getting disowned from his parents after coming out of the closet as a Gender Fluid Shemale Comedian on his Do It All Dad Year Podcast, thaDxwrxw wzqQQwan g nnnt finally charts on Apple I-Tunes above Marc Maron since he became an unhinged, Big Pharma sucking, sell out hack hippie like the rest  could be a hardcore hilarious romp too.

But let’s make United We Laugh, an international best seli FCC c c CNNler 1st, because we can all rally around the COVID con, including the fake news vaccine that works less than Russell Westbrook running the Triangle Offense or a stay at home COVID truther podcast comedian for the past 5 years. Who can still make fun of election fraud, because he doesn’t have a showbiz career to squander in the 1st place. Who resumes his IT Headhunting career in North White Plains to finance self-publishing his trifecta of masterpieces United We Laugh, The Koshertarian Comedians and Waste Of Height, Really Short Stories, if he can’t find a lit agent or NY based editor who doesn’t feel compelled to bow at the altar of World Cup worship and swelling displays of national pride since the day Democracy died. I rhyme funny too.

Your friends will love me in cocktail parties in Manhattan, guaranteed. United Laugh is a comedic showcase of jokes and imagined scenes post COVID damage done as the never-ending shit show rolls on. I’ve recorded and starred on 136 comedy records on SoundCloud over the past 14 months such as Stab The Clown, Lapping Losers and Do It All Dad Does China. John Lennon wished he was this productive during his stay-at-home dad years.

I think you’d be a strong champion of United We Laugh, because you produce titles with sardonic, fatalistic feeling such as HOW TO STAY PRODUCTIVE WHEN THE WORLD IS ENDING.

United We Laugh is my victory lap. Help me make my Do It All Dad Year come true. Carlin and Lenny Bruce would’ve called out bullshit to voting still mattering and certainly wouldn’t take the fake news vaccine, especially if the open borders Pope promoted it despite all the fentanyl snuck in through our borderless borders being responsible for killing more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram. Doctors at Weill Cornell even laugh at that one and they push operation death speed to save the children from the made in Wuhan virus without batting an eye.

According to my SoundCloud stats, I’m huge in Lahore Pakistan and Brazil too. Wordcount for United We Laugh is 120,000 words. You want to sell a pop culture book that actually matters, that was made for these times? You got it. Let’s break the Internet together. Trumpy Poo Tits won’t know what hit him, Groping Biden included.

All My Best,

Michael Kornbluth

Top 10 New Work Intros

  1. Joshua Kornbluth here, Recruitment Manager for the Human Edge. Consider me a less annoying matchmaker than Kris Jenner or the sloppy third Kardashian sister.
  2. Joshua Kornbluth here, Recruitment Manager for the Human Edge. I’m like Match.com without the doctored photo. It’s not how you met but who you meet, that matters, right?
  3. Joshua Kornbluth, Recruitment Manager for the Human Edge. I’m a professional flirt for a living. Think Vince Vaughn in Swingers minus the SAG card.
  4. Joshua Kornbluth calling. Recruitment Manager for the Human Edge. I’m a poor man’s Tony Robbins who doesn’t overcharge for my life coaching expertise.
  5. Joshua Kornbluth here, Recruitment Manager for the Human Edge. I bring dead resumes to life like an EMT worker who moonlights as Dr. Frankenstein on LinkedIn Pulse.
  6. Joshua Kornbluth here, I’m a Recruiter for the Human Edge. I’m not an edgeless putz or else I’d still working for Robert Half.
  7. Joshua Kornbluth here, I’m an IT recruiter who specializes in mind control in Kayne’s mind.
  8. Joshua Kornbluth here. I’m an IT recruiter whose been talent hooking since Y2K. So, I wasn’t born with a vape pen in my mouth yesterday.
  9. Joshua Kornbluth here. Before I launched my IT staffing career. I worked as the number one assistant for Moses. Because I didn’t complain about my developing carpel tunnel after transcribing the Torah into stone.
  10. Hi Mary, Joshua Kornbluth here. I’m an IT Recruiter who wrote The Great American Jew Novel. So, you know I’m not your middle of the road schmuck in a headset either.

Michael Kornbluth

Burn Baby Boomer Burn

Michael, thanks so much for allowing me to have a look at your book.

I really appreciate it. Unfortunately, it’s too similar to a project

that I’m already handling, so I’m going to pass

Sure, being a Christian book Lit agent, a book called The Koshertarian Comedians is too similar to project your already handling.

Yeah, and Evangelical Christians are auctioning off signed Trump bibles on Ebay to keep their coffers full.

What project are you handling that’s too similar Christian Lit Agent at large, ANTIFA eats Ben Shapiro’s Matzah Balls for Breakfast?

You don’t want to represent a writer who talks about election fraud and operation death speed through the clot shot, fine.

Although, I can’t wait for Biden to cut off Baby Boomers from their social security checks to reduce our deficit and redistribute the rest of their remaining wealth for the endless stream of illegal immigrant dreamers in full.

Then, we’d have a 70 million baby boomer march.

Spike Lee dies from more than blood clots too.

Breitbart does a film about it with Gina Carano, who plays the female Braveheart called, “Invasion Of The Social Security Card Snatchers”.

While yelling, “I told you they could take away your earned entitlements too, you smug elitist, ANTIFA excusing pieces of shit.”

Stepford Wives and MAGA moms will unite in D.C and show what a real insurrection looks like,

Fuck the hippie dippy chants of the 60’s.

Take away social security checks and redistribute them to their hired help on the cheap.

The ghost of JFK emerges from the flames and eggs them to burn baby burn like BLM’s spurned love child that just got booted off the Standard and Poor’s Index.

And the 2nd Woodstock resembles an innocuous warm up act.

JFK says, “Ask not, what your country can do for you. But what you, can do for Lennon and King who gave a peace chance.

It didn’t work out to well for them.

So, what the fuck are you going to do about it?

Besides, burn your draft card again and spit on Vietnam vets when they returned, you unpatriotic pussies.

You want to eclipse, the greatest generation, now’s the chance.

Or die a soul sellout fake news hippie like rest.”

Because when you live in Arizona for 10 years away from your 3 grandchildren to work on yourself, and still haven’t visited the Grand Canyon.

You’re a fake news hippy.

Burn Baby Boomer Burn, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Radioactive Resume Theories

Son says, “Daddy, don’t leave me for New Jersey.” I say, “But desperate times call for desperate actions, when you’re 46 years old with a marriage to hold together and have 3 kids to feed after a 9-year vacation from life to work on finding your voice as a Stay At Home She Male Comedian Podcast Host Author Blogger who’s been fired more than a Palestinian Sling Shot.”

Son says, “Why, can’t you get a job again moron son? And when can we start selling your comedy records this summer? I get to sell Flipper Bird Baby and Not Kosher Baby because I’m on the cover licking Finn’s butt Daddy, deal? But seriously Daddy, do you have 10,000 morons stuck in your head, Ancient Moron?

I say, “I don’t need a resume coach or a climate scientist to tell me why my writing career is colder than Harvey Weinstein’s casting couch at the 4 Seasons. In fact, I’m capable of formulating some radioactive resume theories of my own Scientific American, for starters, 9 Gap Years +No Proof of Vaccination =Twice fucked at getting a job in Mr. Groper’s America Jack.

Others culture clash fit theories that come to mind are. You’re too full of yourself to judge your talent assessment skills objectively. In other words, you’re blinded by narcissistic right, like the rest.

Outsiders don’t see daddy as a real man or as dependable provider of any kind, especially when mama’s smart phone sends her an alert whenever I make another questionable purchase. Mommy calls, “Hey babe, so how was bride of Chucky?”

What else makes my resume lack all form of gravitational pull kid? The glaring expanse of gap years on my resume is bigger than when Sandra Bernhardt says cheese.

HR won’t even download my resume on to their desktops out of fear of it eroding their belief in the common good after learning through one of my podcasts how I’m another domestic terrorist dad who protested against the masking of our children like Michael’s Jackon’s kids on holiday in Bahrain during the July 4th release of my Burning Mask Party Record.

Wendy in HR almost chokes up her Shroom Burger from Shake Shack after reading my desired salary preference of 85K per year when I haven’t had any form of steady taxable income to report since hate speech was invented to silence anyone who questioned whether the Russian collusion tale used to spy on Trump while running for office had less legs than Lieutenant Dan.

Listing Allah as a character reference, only to accuse a prospective employer of being Islamophobic, if they don’t respect my religion of peace knowing my last name is Kornbluth is a new low like Baby Face Omar Gona Work It Out describing the death of Amy Winehouse on the anniversary of her death on Twitter as something happened to a devil horn concealing, beehive sporting, colonial imperialist who exploited the Great Palestinian Song Book for all it was worth.  

It’s hard to engage in foreplay with a new lover of me on the open market as a stay-at-home dad when your wife can’t even get excited about kinky foreplay of any kind anymore because you’re already choking her too hard financially.

Talking about yourself in the 3rd person in your resume bio for a copywriter role in South Carolina is crossing the ego mania gone wild line even in Kenny’s Powers eyes.

Big Bang Theory, Do It All Dad Does Jokes is no Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman regardless of it being gay about celebrating my Do It All Dad Tree Trunk that claims to blow crystal-clear streams of beautiful mind spewing hilarity, come rain or shine. Sinatra lives. Challah, thank you very much.

The universe didn’t take a collective breath after you post on your WordPress blog how Guaranteed Greatness, would be your last comedy you’d give to the deprived masses away for free.

Force feeding schtick on your resume is more off putting than laughing at your own jokes in person or texting one to an employer with an emoji clown horn that follows.

You can’t win over HR by conserving your best work in the service of making MAGA country laugh over us.

So, I’ll rebrand myself as a scene stealing supporting player and aim to win the 6th Man of Year Award like Anthony Mason on the Knicks before you’re good enough to be deemed trade worthy, only to be voted by your news fans and old as a 1st all-time star the following year, which beats wasting away in some dumpy ad agency in Union, New Jersey away from you kid.

Son says, “Does that mean you’re not leaving me for New Jersey?”

I say, “Not unless I’m calling my next comedy record, “Do It All Dad Does Martha Dump Truck. Can I get holla for some Challah?”

Son says, “Thank you very much.”

Michael Kornbluth

The Comedian Medium

Can too much goodness be a career impediment? My 5-Year-Old Son, Chosen Curl’s Was Bound to Woo thinks so. He says, “Daddy, your comedy records are too good like Punchout Poverty and Flipper Bird Baby. I say, “So you think Indy records labels I’ve shared links with like the one Kevin Hart owns are intimidated by my over-the-top towering genius 90 records later compared to their miniscule, pathetically weak punchline offerings in return?” Chosen Curls replies, “Your comedy records are too good moron. Maybe, you should make them half good, half suck, so you don’t come across as completely full of yourself if it half sucks. Rocky didn’t win every round against Apollo, remember?”

For the 1st night of Hanukkah, I got my son some old school WWF wrestling action figures including Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Fuji and Superfly Jimmy Snuka yet what provided him the most joy was the Rocky soundtrack on vinyl. The moment the needle hit wax; Chosen Curls otherwise as known as Hardcore Hunga Rocks began to perform a series of one-armed pushups on the floor because it will, “make him tougher.” The way I allow him to hit me in the face when I box him on my knees on our Rocky rug downstairs with his Everlast gloves as a form of flinch freeing treatment.

Growing up, I didn’t run away from any fist fights, but I did refrain from hurling insults whenever they were thrown my way like accusations of me eating my own jiz at the Nurse’s office, after I admitted to touching myself in there prior like a mongoloid moron, which later inspired an opening scene in my TV Pilot pitched to VH1 Classic Heavy Metal High, when my imaginary guiding star Andrew Dice Clay appears in the Nurse’s Office after I become the last member of my class to get into the puberty party. A puff of smoke clears, Dice flashes the bedazzled Dice Rules Leather jacket and starts clapping, before saying, “Congratulations, you finally achieved blastoff jerkoff.” Dice adds, “Jerking off doesn’t make you a man. It’s how you use your balls that matters most in this world kid.”

It’s hard to feel that you’re being super ballsy recording non-stop comedy records at home for 6 months in a row. Still, my wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn’t get a real job already and dared to write any more books before I quadrupled down on my imagination on her dime and wrote 3 more, The Koshertarian Comedians, Waste of Height Really Short Stories and United We Laugh. I prove it every day, Challah. Thank you very much. So, I can’t claim I’m guilty of playing it too safe either, especially after releasing comedy record titles such as Funny Enough Fagala and Pretty Dirty Mind, far from straight, I’m not.

But what’s nagging my psyche today on the Comedian Medium podcast, dead writer ghost talks for you and me, is whether my excessive goodness is being used against me. I want to summon the ghost of William Blake to discuss concepts such as self-sacrifice in contrast to Ayn Rand’s ardent belief in only being able to achieve personal happiness and career fulfillment by not living out the expectations for the sake of others. Charles Bukowski says, “Writers are awful, selfish people, who save the best versions of themselves on the page.” Perhaps, I always viewed my writing as my idealized self, who’s funny, smart, brave, secure, energized, big hearted and borderline poetic as opposed to feeling like a floundering, touchy feely bitch in real life. I think most of my rage issues stem from allowing my brother, parents and old friends to ruin everything for me again and again. Why do they aggravate me so much? Because they’re not good enough, which explains why I seek love from strangers for a living through my books, blogs, comedy records and podcasts episodes involving dead writers who provide more varied company that I crave, who don’t pretend to be my biggest fan or loyalist supporter when they can’t acknowledge a new comedy record posting on LinkedIn to shake up the stagnant, gun-shy boredom in the straight world. How can I honestly claim any enviable connection to old friends, brother or parents, when not once have they asked how’s the comedy career going over the past 5 years since my lucky number 3, Chosen Curls Was Bound to Woo was born?

Fuck their half ass insincerity, fuck their glaring indifference to the greatest funny man hot streak known to mankind. Fuck their belief in thinking I should be grateful for their sloppy second treatment at all. Fuck their claims of good things happening to good people. Tell that to every family forced into bankruptcy after losing their jobs over forced mandates to prevent the common good from catching an itchy esophagus with a 99 percent survival rate.  Fuck my brother for blaming his opioid pill addition on his wife and for my parents buying that bullshit narrative like Big Tech being nothing more than the freedom of speech killing scuzz that they are. Fuck any friend who started ignoring my being because I went into the funny man business on my own and used to support Trumpy Poo on my old Do It All Dad Year Podcast for free. I also don’t buy into this horseshit premise how were supposed to be content with old friends from our past reflecting our less sure, outmoded selves, when we outgrow their measured praise when we get older, especially, when they’ve shown no interest in your new and improved offspring whatsoever after writing the debut comedy hit book, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story.

At least, he writes really funny jokes. Go fuck yourself, I create a video with my daughter about your younger sister beating cancer and that’s the best you can do to pretend about actually giving a shit about me succeeding in this world with a family of 5 to provide for. It makes me sick to think I wasted any time caring about these friend’s opinions, when none of them haven taken any ballsy chances with their life whatsoever. And you’re going try to demean me and reduce me to some flailing desperate clown in need of your loving laughing approval after God came into my heart, blessing me with 3 Koshertarian comedian loving kids later as I proceed to plow forward with the greatest comedy record streak of all time, with comedy record 74, Too Much Goodness, coming out later tonight. Yeah, you can go fuck yourself to. We weren’t that close to begin with. As usual, I romanticize all relationships way out of proportion and gave you blah brained fucks way too much benefit of the doubt. I’m the good life giver, not you asshole. Edgy energy star, you’re not. Over the top artist, not in your wildest dreams bud.

So, let’s conjure William Blake already before I come across as too jaded bitter for Marc Maron’s taste before his podcast broke big. Yoh, William is anyone out there? What’s your favorite Door’s album? Did your pen pal Thomas Paine have enough common sense to wrap his tool before banging those busty broads in London town after Ben Franklin got 1st dibs on the house for inventing soothing bath salts for herpes? Woh, your ghost spirit looks mighty pissed off Blake. You’re redder in the face than other writer ghosts from podcast episodes past. I love your line, “Exuberance is beauty.” Because it makes my father look like an asshole whenever he tells me to calm down. Plus, my wife freaks out if we’re out in public at a bar due to my tendency to perform in front of crowds like any self-respecting slut in a strait jacket would.”

 Ghost of Willaim Blake screams, “Shut up already. You’re an unholy father, who doesn’t accept Jesus Christ as his lord and savior. Who wrote a blasphemous chapter called Jesus Killer Set in The Great American Jew Novel? Isn’t that correct?”

“I love being quoted by dead writer ghosts I admire almost as much as my son Chosen Curls quoting my comedy records like Pause Daddy, Challah, thank you very much. “

Ghost of William Blake says, “How does The Great American Jew Novel sell more copies than my self-published book of poetry, Songs of Innocence & of Experience? Granted, my book only sold 33 copies but still. I made the Doors. Jim Morrison doesn’t exist without me. You named your son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth, whoopty freaking do.”

“So, William come up with a better book title that’s less schizophrenic than Songs of Innocence & Experience and I’ll give a shit about your anemic books sales again. You’re not going to give Walt Whitman sustained stiffage with a horseshit title like is all I’m saying. But thanks for inspiring Jim Morrison William, because I never would’ve created a flow to Kornbluth without naming my son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth. Although coming up with my son’s nickname before he was born was twice as thrilling. I say to my wife, “Babe, I got the perfect nickname for Arthur, will call him, Art Show. And his big sister already sweating his latent mojo rising says with rapidly rising trepidation, “No, it’s my show.”

Art show spirit lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth