Sticking With Nerf Football In The Yard

My dad pushing eventual Pee Wee Football on his grandson is another example of him trying to make me bow down to his authoritative opinion, which makes me think he’s the one with brain trauma from feeding his head with too much acid at Woodstock. Because if I bowed down to this belabored, weak ass pitch command request, I would’ve shied away from doing political  material during my speech at my younger brother’s wedding, when I said to his old pal from Boarding School, “ Cam from Canada, make yourself at home and hit somebody. So, Jim Carrey can paint you as an alt right goon on the loose in Charlottesville, with a Tiki Torch in hand, looking like an angry rejected extra from the Sears Catalog in 89.

Michael Kornbluth

Boomer Grandparents Chilling The Most

If grandparents on both sides, average a whopping 1 week a year with their grandchildren during the summertime, 3 grandchildren later, with no stated planned plans to spend whole weeks with them in the future otherwise, like planning cruises with them when they can afford it. Then, it’s safe to say they’re not suffering from separation anxiety. My mother in law’s forced, dumb, dumb sounding, sprinkling of Ukrainian isn’t putting her grandchildren at ease away from her parents either.

Michael Kornbluth

Educating 1st Graders On Dreidel

Anti-Semitism is so hot right now. So, I tell my son, “Arthur,  if you play a Dreidel game with your friends at school before winter break and it lands on Gimmel, put your non-Jewish friends at ease and explain, “Gimmel means, give me all your money because we own all the banks in the North Pole to.”

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

What GenX Dads Understand

My 90-year-old great Aunt Marion asks me, “Why does your daughter need to know Kung Fu?” I say, “Because if Uma Thurman knew how to execute the 5 point palm heart exploding punch in real life, Ethan Hawke would’nt have dared to bang their nanny at home, when she was busy filming Kill Bill 2. Also, banging your nanny is such a GenX slacker move. You never have to leave the couch.

Michael Kornbluth