How do you get over your younger brother never acknowledging your kids’ birthdays? Especially, when one is born on New Year’s Day, and you know little bro is still up from the night before doing coke anyway, in some townie bar, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall, asking, “Where’s Hunter? And who buys blow painting supplies at Staples at 3 in the morning anyway?”
But seriously, how do I forgive my parents for not condemning my younger brother for refusing to acknowledge my kid’s birthdays for the past 5 years and counting without thinking they’re guilty of encouraging him to not give a shit? Since I came out as a former supporter of you know who since he let Democracy die without raging against the dying of the light under William’s Barr’s watch. Do I let the disrespectful slights subside overtime by not dwelling on what an a plus narcissist my younger brother is compared to my dad? Stop clinging to the idea that my younger brother will accept the good in my life revolving around my family? Or face reality and realize the only gift my younger brother ever got me on my birthday was a 12 pack of beer, so chances are Uncle John won’t be the most dependable, available, visible bud in my kid’s life either.
Most regrettable nickname given to my 10-year-old daughter after I complimented her new grownup looking haircut is Banger Pretty.
Why does Fauci still have a job? Endless lives have been taken prematurely because he prevented the access of life saving drugs over his precious clot shot vaccine. At this point, Dr. Gnocchi should’ve been fired more than a Palestinian Sling Shot.
Did you know Washington Irving, author of the Legend of Sleepy Hollow, birthed the expression, “The Almighty Dollar?” Upon making this discovery Ted Nugent accused the entire hip hop community of cultural appropriation in a NY minute.
CDC says people should avoid cruise travel regardless of vaccination status. In other words, your just vaccinated sticker only matters for show off purposes only. And booster shots are a perpétual pain in the ass.”
Liberal guilt is a mental disease. Mom told me that all her valuable jewelry was stolen in their Arizona estate home. What’s my dad’s response who bought her the jewelry? Aztec gold reparations matter.
At the airport, I bought a book from the Harvard Business Review on how to improve my business writing, so I can come across as a less all over the place, wise ass Jew. I say to the cashier, “Yeah, I need to stop making all my business correspondences about me, which is easier said than done 62 comedy records later, especially when I plan on releasing a box set before I’m famous before my 46th birthday in April, called Totality Of Me.” Cashier laughs long time. Then, I give her my business card and ask for it back, after she got tense when I pitched one my comedy records Democrat Hack Attack. I said, “Give me my card back. I hate spineless Republicans who don’t utter a peep against online censorship of anything that’s not in fawning favor of the clot shots and mask mandates on our children. But anyone on the side of Democrat hacks who compare the selfie tour of the Capital building to 9/11 belongs in the Guiness Book World Records of most ghaulish, dithering, domestic terrorist deriding dick delusionist take ever.”
What does the Stop the Steal protest rally have to do with 9/11 again? Outside of Michael Moore getting a mini chubby idea over his next documentary to pitch on NPR with drabby blubbery precision.
New subject lines to get interviews for well-paid writer jobs.
Audition Greatness, Star Salary Rules Apply. And Interview Your Superior Already, Challah. Thank you very much.
Do gay Mormon Truck Drivers get exempt from drinking coffee on the job? Because they can’t get up for big love to the Housewives of Zion in the 1st place?
I play trumpet great Chet Baker on my Spotify at my parent’s place in Arizona and my dad says, “Why would you listen to sad music? I said, “Because Arizona draped in overcast clouds looks like pile of wet rocks.”
New York City plans to install vending machines to dispense free needles for drugs users who can’t afford Fentanyl anymore, which has killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram.
Why not discourage drug use like the Aussies did when they had all the buses heading to Bondi beach blare Vivaldi because junkies lost their mind listening to it? NPR could even throw in a plug for the Fresh Air podcast.
“You’ve just ripped off your earlobes to Vivaldi’s 4 Seasons because of racist oppressive forces poisoning your mind with more angelic love letters to the abortion damning Euro God dead in your soul. But maybe, you’ll be tempted to shoot up again if you tune in tomorrow morning at 9 for a Fresh Air interview with Dave Grohl, to inject your day with more dreamy filler throughout your depressingly dreary lives but not if the luckiest drummer alive, has something to do with it, who obeyed his masters by demanding his fans get clot shots like the rest. And if that isn’t rock and roll nirvana on earth, I don’t know what is.”