Rosh Hashanah, start of the Jewish new year, didn’t produce an inclusive loving feeling from the reformed Rabbi in Ridgefield, CT. Who decided to blow his speech opportunity to unite, by using horseshit terms like Trumpism while trying to compare the Holocaust to COVID in the process, only for the high holiday prayer book to include a shout out prayer for the Prime Minister of Canada no less. Who cares if fancy socks in black face up north, has ordered the cops to seize church property and arrest faith leaders like Pastor Stephens outside his home in front of his God loving children for conducting outdoor services for the unforgivable crime of his congregation refusing to socially distance themselves from the holy spark that binds us all, over overhyped fears of catching an itchy esophagus, Challah, thank you very much.
I took an Adderall pill before attending the social distanced outdoor services, which made it impossible to block out more blathering talk from woke Rabbi about our living rooms have become our new sacred spaces in post COVID controlled universe gone wild, not his exact words but you get the gist. Does your living room feel like a sacred space whenever your kids chose to play Toca Boca on their Amazon fires instead of end to Karate Kid on Netflix? Was this Rabbi promised a year free subscription to Netflix or what? I also learned how my old pharmacy in Pleasantville is now officially out of business. If there was one business, you’d think would be immune from being bankrupted by COVID, it would be 3rd generational family pharmacy. In related news, CVS pharmacies are in the midst of a hiring surge. At least employees, don’t have to worry about schlepping back home if they forget to bring a mask to work again.
During synagogue service, you’re reminded of God declaring, “Let there be light”, and it got me thinking about the important of being a truth light spreader myself like pointing out on my past 29 comedy records and counting how the COVID vaccine works less than stay at home shemale comedian COVID truthers like myself. Chris Rock got the stab yet just tweeted on Twitter, “I got COVID, you don’t want any part of this, get your vaccine shot. Who cares if sold my soul to Kamala Harris for some extra strong weed brownies from Marth Stewart at Obama’s bash in the Vineyard. I didn’t know whether I was flying or dying. Who cares if pearl necklace Harris doesn’t know if Tupac was still alive to rap about whether he thought the Deep State tried to take him our or not.
It’s hard not feel like your father hasn’t pronounced you dead in his heart when he doesn’t reply to your text that wishes him Shanah Tovah, which means have good year. So, God should I assume that my father’s silence implies he wishes the exact opposite for me because I named a sandwich after the fake news number one occupier pick of the White House right now in my book The Koshertarian Comedian, Sloppy Second Joes, which is the best inside joke that I my wife hasn’t figured out yet either? Challah, thank you very much. Explaining to my 3 Koshertarian comedian kids why I call my turkey meat-based sandwich on a challah a roll Sloppy Second Joes last night was priceless. I said, “So you know how daddy does that joke, where I state the question, Do, blind men ever get the beer goggles? Assuming, they do, does the seeing eye dog ever offer a second opinion? Then, I drop on all fours and impersonate the dog and say, “We better pass on this one Stevie. You can feel her face, but I can smell her snatch, woof, woof.” So, beer googles, trick you into thinking someone looks better they do with the lights on during working hours and are never confused with 1st pick material once the morning after either. Forget election fraud, and massive mail-in ballot cheating on the behalf of Mr. Groper in addition to every chicken shit piece of shit in the media at Fox included who refused dig into why there’s no reason Biden could’ve won because his campaign rallies could barely fill out Ariel’s little clam shell bras. Joe Biden is the personification of sloppy seconds. Even Jill Biden was married to Joe Biden’s best friend before she started an affair with aw shucks Joe for Christ’s sake. If Joe Biden loves to ease the financial strain of the middle class in America, Trump’s capable of admissible introspective correction, after his overrated COVID 19 vaccine has been responsible for more blood clots and cases of cardiac arrest than torn condoms at Bill Maher’s Airbnb fuck paid in Rio for Martis Gras, sponsored by his new web hosting site, gotorioforthirdleggedbeauties.com, Challah thank you very much.
Did you know the Federal government is paying hospitals 30 K for ever patient they hook up to a ventilator with COVID? But there’s is no evidence of hospitals overreporting cases of COVID, despite the CDC now declaring that anyone who dies from the vaccine 2 weeks later is being declared as unvaccinated. And my old psychic in LA thought my all over the place, far from centered chakras were more clogged than my freshman one hitter. Who are these fucking lightweights being hooked up to ventilators exactly? I’ve been sucking down weed out of metal cigarette looking one hitter’s on and off for the past 2 decades and my lungs feel, great, Dice lives, Challah, thank you very much.
And where does the Reformed woke Rabbi from Ridgefield find the gaul to even bring COVID and the Holocaust in the same sentence ever? I don’t recall Anne Frank socially distancing herself from Netflix while refusing to add getting gassed to death with her family for a planned 14 Reasons Why addendum sample chapter for her local Dutch publisher reachable by carrier pigeon either. I’m assuming this same Rabbi never condemned Eminem for comparing Trump to Hitler. Trump’s the next Hitler? In what, Inglorious Bastards Part 2? Relax Eminem, sequels never live up to the original. Plus, when Trump bought Mar-A-Lago he lifted the lifetime ban on Jewish membership, Slim on Facts Shady.
Doesn’t Don Lemon realize that trying to socially shame past Trump supporters like myself into getting the COVID Vaccine shot is more pointless than pretending he’s anything less than Jussie Smollett minus the SAG card? Anyone that’s been almost completely disowned by his shame cloaked mother and ostracized by past fake news deep friends because they had to balls to question bullshit narratives such as Obama Be Good, despite him rebranding ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times has developed rock solid immunity from ever giving 2 flying shits about the opinions of media worshipping horrors ever again, especially after all these Democratic worshiping moralists, have zero problem when Fox prematurely gave Arizona to Mr. Groper, before the midnight tally’s of more trucked in forged mail in votes were even tabulated.
Mail-In Ballots were counted with no records of being sent out. But keep on believing Jill Biden is classy 1st lady in fish net stockings and Marshall fuck me pumps with disheveled, molested hair dressed as she’s posing for sex ads on Craig’s list under Scare Crow Hookers.com.
The prayer service also mentioned talk controlling my lustful heart and eyes. So, I’m assuming using Internet porn sporadically whenever my kids are asleep to squeeze in 5 minutes of Daddy time, is still Kosher in God’s eyes within the era of #Meto, knowing it’s our last safety rail left.
This prayer service could not have been more politized if it tried. It even had a special shout out prayer section for all the medical workers, teachers and government works still collecting steady paychecks throughout COVID while perpetuating the aura of superiority despite more Martha Dump Trucks dying of suicide this year than from COVID, under their morally grounded, truth suppressing shaming watch like masks more useless than the Lakers expecting increased ball movement with the addition of Carmelo Anthony. Who should be the spokesperson for Tampax Tampons already. Name another NBA baller responsible for stopping so much flowage.
Where does this woke, wussy, Reformed Rabbi in a mask get the balls to blame COVID virus on Trumpism? 80 million branded racists didn’t help fund the Wuhan lab institute to develop a super spreader virus designed to usher mail-in voting to help steal an election from their chosen commander in chief. I know, I’m being a cult Trump worshipper according to the esteemed Dr. Savage because the Chines would never take on it’s on people to preserve their fledging sense of power. Yeah, and Richard’s Gere’s prayer beads didn’t come out red? Challah, thank you very much.
The most despicable part of this past high holiday season was Biden blatantly lying about visiting the Tree of Life synagogue after the mass murdering rampage that occurred there because that satanic piece of shit hated Trump for being the best friend Israel never had and for helping usher in more peace treaties with neighboring Arab countries by the time Jared Kushner bursts within in Ivanka in shear whenever she talks dirty to him in Mandarin on his birthday again. You don’t believe me about Biden being blatant, lying opportunist, plagiarist piece of the shit of the most deplorable, fake news good order? Even the Rabbi for the Tree of Life went on record during an interview with MSNBC, stating, “I’ve never met Joe Biden in my life. Do you think I spend my free time hanging out at Ben and Jerry’s these days? Since they released their new Rocky Road to Peace ice cream charitable fund for Hamas to build more death tunnels used to kidnap Jewish children for the crime of blood ties to Rothschild family who controls the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to.
To make matters worse, Biden when trying to act like he gives to shits about the Jewish people, he couldn’t even remember the name of Hora dance at his daughter’s wedding, which made it impossible to block out when my brother-in-law did the same thing at my wedding. After the hora dance with chair lifting of the bride and groom he says, “Let’s give a round of applause for whatever that shit was. I’m Irish, so unless someone get’s fall down drunk without the aid falling off a lifted chair, I’m not interested.” So much for slow to anger and quick to forgive God almost 12 years after the fact, Challah, thank you very much.
But famous writer Ayn Rand said, “Patience is always rewarded, and love is always waiting around the corner” except if you conduce a phone interview with Director of Talent Acquisition at Fox News. “So, you’ve done a bunch of podcasts and wrote some joke books on fatherhood. How does this work apply to the world of business news on Mornings with Maria? For starters, inflation from creating COVID relief money out of thin air for shutting down the world economy to get Trumpy Poo out office, has made value of the US dollar is a bigger joke than any integrity left in the Supreme Court, which carries less just might than the mantra Protect and Serve since every day become standing down day or In Fuck Face Fauci We Trust.” I also like the idea of me getting plenty of ROI from writing monologues for Maria because placing myself inside her, will make fantasy fuck material with my wife on her birthday again a more uplifting experience than ever before.
The Torah on Rosh Hashanah also des awaken you to new possibilities such as searching out more conservative synagogue for Yom Kippur, thinking the experience would be more welcoming and less COVID crazed controlled when it wasn’t. I came prepared with my mask, a business card hand, rehearsed spiel during the car ride over in preparation for when I’d be interrogated like the Gestapo for showing up to services without a ticket in advance, God forbid. I say, “I don’t have a ticket, but I did write the Great American Jew Novel. Diane Sullivan from the Midwest Book Review said, “The Great American Jew Novel exceeds in a hilarious New York exploration of the world of comedy and Jewish culture. Plus, I taste way better than Ben Shapiro ever could, which isn’t chopped liver either.” Still, I’m greeted with, “So why couldn’t you find the time to buy a ticket in advance again?” I say, “Because I’m a degenerate Jew whose only 3-year plan is to get my daughter a wave runner in 3 years before he stay at home Bat Mitzvah, because it’s impossible to experience any dark, suicidal thoughts on top of hot pink Wave Runner with mask on hermetically sealed on or not. Daniel Tosh lives, Challah, thank you very much. Plus, wasn’t planning on coming here initially until the woke reformed Rabbi in Ridgefield, CT gave a speech that easily could’ve been interpreted as an audition reel as the new reconstructionist, reformed Jewish, resister Rabbi correspondent for MSNBC. You don’t watch that never ending shit show do you Ethel? Well, you don’t have to get his impersonation. This is Chris Matthews sexually harassing his new yenta breath from intern from Great Neck, Long Island. Eating out Maddow, counts as your lunch break babe.
Like the Torah commands, I’m done fostering illusions of modern-day Synagogues, both reformed and conservative being immune to this mask cloaked, overhyped COVID driven hysteria one second longer. Hebrew Schools will demand my daughter has to wear a mask to study Hebrew. Then, I’ll just teach my daughter how to read her Haftorah portion in Hebrew at home and call it day. It will make a great chapter in my future book Back to Hebrew School called Bat Mitzvah Cliff Notes soon after 3 Year Wave Runner Plan, Challah, thank you very much.
Teaching my daughter her Haftorah portion from home while continuing to promote the Koshertarian diet at home by cooking a bomb brisket mom beater at home using caramelized Vidalia onions within the Palamino grape sherry sauce will deepen my relationship with Hashem more so than having to enduring any more propogandist, scare morning, intentionally divisive bullshit from grave digging woke rabbis dumping any interest in perpetuating the allure of me embracing the special binding allure of organized prayer into the ground, six feet under along with Alan Ball’s desire to achieve salvation for his embrace of hell hole sex because going to down on Ethel to taste rotten Gefilte fish never aroused his sustained stiffage interest, God forbid. Reading bible stories for kids and Yiddish dictionary words to my 3 hilarious sweet kids in our bed at home is my sacred space Rabbi. Matilda, what did Tyson Chandler give the Knicks again, before the NBA became a safe space for Lebron James’ ego, boopkus, Daddy, boopkus. My kids don’t need to be engaging in speed prayers at synagogue to please God assuming, they never shy away from defending Israel’s right to defend itself while refusing to be pushover putzy no more. Because if you fire 5000 rockets into Israel’s backyard UN, then Hamas who doesn’t do nuance, shouldn’t expect an edible arrangement gift basket in return with a thank you note written in Farsi. Controlling our kids with my comedy, can make our kids less hysterical again. Last night, after my daughter got five million flu shots, she got up from bed for making a scene compared to her younger, stoic brothers in the process. I calmed down with comedy immediately, not being on Adderall helped which I casted into the local river instead of stones like time release sins, which was a 1st for me, knowing God appreciated a gesture because I’ve could’ve sold them to my younger brother for 200 bones for slow Monday easy. I tell my daughter, “Matilda, you laugh in the face of your brothers whenever they try to pull your hair, or punch with any sort of real deal impactful force. So next time Arthur tries to hurt you, in another ineffectual, fruitless manner, just say tell your skinny blondie brother, “Are you done trying to hurt me Twiggy? And my precious bashert daughter laughed long time. Controlling our kids with comedy, can make our kids great again. My 3 fuss free kids, 90 percent of the time are living proof of it. That’s another way to apply my business minded focus to Mornings with Maria, Challah, thank you very much. Lord are you impressed? I didn’t disrespect thy father by going off on him when he asked me on Yom Kippur if I had broken the fast by a hard 3 already. Despite me being a practicing Koshertarian Comedian, this past year still trying to find a faith-based agent to locate their ball sack to represent my book The Koshertarian Comedians, my divine powered tale about growing closer to God and my 3 kids through the more yummy dances and laughs I get. Perhaps, this last-minute chapter addition, Brisket Mom Beater will do the trick. My sons attacked this succulent, thyme and sage twined up, broth rich sweet onion brisket with scrumptious, inhalatory glee. Who needs Philly cheesesteaks when you I can make hold food magic at home that provides my Koshertarian comedian kids with the lingering desire to never flee.